Giving up the Miserable Practice of Needing to be Perfect and Expecting Others to Be

Giving up the Miserable Practice of Needing
to be Perfect and Expecting Others to Be

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2010


Expecting yourself or others to be perfect is an unfortunate way of thinking that is absolutely crazy making! Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations of themselves or others. Putting these unrealistic expectations on others creates frustration, anger and sometimes depression if you turn them back on yourself.

Perfectionistic thinking often manifests as judgments and “shoulds.” When you hear yourself making a "should judgment," you can tell yourself, “That’s only my ego nagging me with a should!” Modify your unyielding, unrealistic expectations for others—those absolutist shoulds, absolutes, have tos, ought tos and musts and make them preferences and wishes instead. These ways of viewing the world definitely breaks into your peace of mind and happiness.

Often perfectionistic thinking is passed down as a family generational theme. Shame of not measuring up to the unrealistic standards of the parents is passed from generation to generation. Critical parental behavior produces shame-prone children who then criticize themselves and others. When a child’s essential needs for stability, attention, affection, approval and validation were shamed, any time later in life when a valid need comes up, he might drop back into these old feelings.

The child who lives with constant criticism learns to hide his vulnerable feelings and his failures when the parents have high expectations of behavior. He or she feels rejected if the parent humiliates and punishes him for crying. The child learns to reject all aspects of himself including the wonderful ones. The rejected child believes that he must be really bad or his parents would accept and love him. He can stop trying to succeed as he might fail and he can’t bear the uncomfortable feelings that accompany failure. To protect his already fragile self-esteem, he procrastinates or gives up before he starts.

Failure is a necessary part of learning. Learning to cope with failure is a positive social skill that is necessary for success! How we cope with being thwarted on a goal defines whether we become a loser or a learner. The moment of failure presents a Y in the road: in one direction blaming either self or others or the other, problem solving. Once when I goofed up in a big way my boss said, “Lynne, what do we do about this?” Failure presents the opportunity for learning, for change and increased self-esteem.

Perfectionistic thoughts are obsessive lies of the ego that do you in. They can be stopped dead in their tracks through self-talk and The Emotional Freedom Technique. Reprogram your mind to KNOW that errors are for learning! Stop and ponder these quotes from wise minds that reflect on the value of learning through failure and giving up old, perfectionistic beliefs:

“Failure is not the worst thing in the world; the very worst is not to try.”

Anonymous

“One of the reasons people stop learning is that they become less and less willing to risk failure.”

John W. Gardner

“Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.”

Edward Eggleston

“The way to succeed is to double your error rate.”

Thomas J. Watson

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

Truman Capote

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.”

Denis Waitley

“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.”

Robert Schuller

“Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”

Henry Van Dyke

“I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”

Anne Lamott

“A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect.”

Chinese Proverb

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”

Gandhi

“I am perfectly imperfect and I allow this perfect imperfection in myself. I do strive for a standard of excellence in my work. That is perfectly right for me.”

Lynne Namka

“We are completely perfect, but we need a minor adjustment.”

Suzuki Roshi

“Your life will have a kind of perfection, although you will not be a saint. The perfection will consist in this: You will be very weak and you will make many mistakes; you will be awkward, for you will be poor in spirit and hunger and thirst for justice. You will not be perfect, but you will love. This is the gate and the way. There is nothing greater than love. There is nothing more true that love; nothing more real. So let us hand our lives over to love and seal the bond of love.”

Eberhard Arnold


Peace and joy,

Lynne

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person. “

David M. Burns

[Lynne's website:] http://www.AngriesOut.com