The Three R’s: Rage, Revenge and Retaliation

The Three R’s: Rage, Revenge and Retaliation

© Lynne Namka, Ed. D.

The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are the extremes of anger.  They usually happen after a sense of being betrayed.  Betrayal is a complex emotional assault where the person feels overwhelmed, traumatized and out of control.  The sense of being betrayed happens when a person believed that he could trust another person or a situation and would be safe. Instead he or she got such a huge emotional hit that he or she becomes devastated and feels overwhelmed.  Trust is broken and the strong emotions come in and get stuck.  Feeling safe in the world is shaken and innocence is lost.

When there has been a sense of betrayal, the heart meridian takes the shock and many of the other meridians go out of balance.  Brain chemistry changes as the person goes into a sympathetic nervous system response getting ready to fight or run.  At times the person gets locked into this fight/flight energetic state.  Later in life, he or she may trigger when events are similar and the same strong emotions of being overwhelmed and traumatized come back automatically. 

Some people harbor grudges as a defense against being hurt again.  They may ruminate about the unhappy event by dwelling on the memory and reviewing it often.  Hatred and grudges are often challenging to break as they may protect the person from being vulnerable again.  They can be connected to satisfaction and the self-justification and pride of holding on to intense anger.  Sometimes grudges can be learned as a habit from a parent (My mother and her family always held grudges and I’m just like them.)   To keep on chewing on unhappy memories only leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.  We all have had experiences in life that hold the opportunity for us to become bitter or deal with the disappointment and move on.  So when you are disappointed about something, choose to talk about it and get past it rather than let a bitter attitude set in.

Revenge thoughts are grudges plus wanting to get even with the other person. Revengeful thoughts are basically selfish in nature with the belief of: “I have the right to hurt him because he injured me.” This is based on beliefs of “It's not fair.” Revenge is “I can enjoy thoughts of hurting another person in my mind to get back at him.” Revenge creates pseudo self-esteem of feeling good about one's self by relishing ideas of harming another person. Vengeful thoughts can actually trigger endorphins in the brain which associate hurting others with feeling good.

Grudges fan the fire of anger as a way of trying to feel safe by feeling powerful in fantasy. Grudge holding and revenge are way of putting up walls to guard the self against further hurt. Building a thick wall helps angry people ward of feelings of disappointment and rejection.  The belief is “If I don’t let others get too close, they can’t hurt me.”  One person described his wall building process.  “I learned to build such a thick wall around me that others can’t get in.  I’ve got titanium walls built around me.  Nobody gets past these walls.  It keeps me safe although I am lonely a lot.” 

One of the building blocks for a tight wall is holding onto revenge.  Revenge is challenging to break into because of the positive value of enjoyment and feelings of prerogative and privilege.  Revenge says that I have the right to hurt someone and feel good about it.  The best revenge is a successful life. Acting in ways that make you become successful while holding on to your integrity is the best revenge for any hurt that done to you. 

Taken to its max, a grudge can become revenge and aggression that is rationalized as good.  Revenge which is tied to extreme religious fanaticism or family loyalty can lead to “holy wars” and gang violence.  People who tie their self-esteem to feeling superior, pride and self-righteousness are typically caught in a big energetic imbalance to their entire system.  Many extremely angry people don’t have a way to release their dogmatic ways of thinking and acting.  Some do not want to as they believe that they are right.  The issue here is not about being right or wrong but in gaining peace of mind.

Continuing to dwell on bitterness because someone wronged you creates a huge stressor to your mind and body.  Stress upsets your brain chemistry and your serotonin level.  Environmental toxins, poor eating habits and alcohol and substance abuse can also lower serotonin levels in the brain.  You are ruled by your intense emotions not your logical mind.  Use the techniques presented in this book to help the prefrontal cortex get the upper hand over the amygdala and increase the blood flow to the thinking, rational parts of the brain.

The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are powerful emotions to be understood and harnessed.  Transformed they can bring a calmness to your life and an increase in self-esteem as you accomplish something extremely important.

The Complexity of Big Anger

We think of anger as one emotion, but actually it’s a catch-all reaction for many other jumbled-up feelings.  Intense anger is so complex and challenging to release because of the many other emotions that accompany it or hide underneath it.  This following technique factors out the different emotions that make up the total anger load which keep the hatred or grudge stuck. 

Hostility always breeds more hostility.  The more you hold, the more you look for and guess what?  What you look for you will surely find.  This Big Anger technique helps to break into hostile stuck energies and bring about a calming effect.  As you tap, notice any acu-point where there is tenderness or pain—this may be an area where energy is stuck.  Spend more time tapping on these to move the energy.  Yes, this exercise is long, but rage, grudges and hatred are very complex and you are the one being hurt now by the complexity of your unresolved feelings.

Tap to Release Big Anger, Grudges and Hatred Technique

Think of something where you feel an injustice has been done to you in the past and you continue to dwell on in.  Think about your belief that “Life isn’t fair.”  The belief that life should be fair is a destructive error in thinking that keeps people stuck.  See the event in your mind’s eye and allow any feeling to come up.

Rate the event on a scale of one to ten of distress with ten being the highest level of being upset.  Ask yourself, “Do I want to remain angry or do I want peace of mind?”  Set your intention for change to release disturbing thoughts and feelings and to forgive yourself for being upset and wanting to harm others.  

1.  Irritation and Overwhelmed:  Tap on the inside of your eyebrows at the bony ridge of the eye socket above the upper bridge of your nose. Think of feeling irritated by the wrong that was done to you and breathe into this area.  Tap briskly while feeling overwhelmed at what happened to you.  Forgive yourself for having these challenging emotions.  This is Bladder 1 acupressure point and an allergy point that is often becomes tender in people when they are irritated.

2.  Resentment:  Think of the resentment that you feel about the injustice.  Rub your temples on both sides of your head with a circular motion and then tap sharply.  Think of the energy that it takes to hold onto resentment and breathe it out.  The Gall Bladder Meridian runs around the temple area and around the ears represents the emotions of resentment and frustration.  You are tapping Gall Bladder point 14.

3.  Frustration:  Think of being frustrated and feeling out of control about the event.  Cup your fingers and tap around your ears.   Think of letting go frustration.  At this point in time, the only one being hurt by your holding onto frustration is yourself.  You are tapping the Gall Bladder Meridian and acupoints 8 through 12.

4.  Bitterness and Hatred:  Tap at the outside of your nostrils and breathe in deeply.  Think about your inflexibility, bitterness, regret, guilt and the inability to forgive.  Do not judge yourself because you have held this bitterness.  You have done the best you could with them until now.  You have not known how to release them and now you want something better for yourself.  You are tapping Large Intestine 19 associated with holding on to negative beliefs.

5.  Fear of Being Hurt Again:  Tap on your collarbones and take a sharp breath and hold it for a while before letting it out slowly.  Grudges serve the purpose to keep you from being hurt by the person again.  Forgive yourself for holding onto the grudge to protect yourself from being harmed again and resolve that you will avoid situations of harm.  You are tapping Kidney 27 which holds the emotion of fear.

6.  Feeling Stuck:  Tap on the fleshy part of the back of your hand near the bone between your thumb and index finger.  Focus on holding on, a grudge or rigid thinking.  Change hands and tap on the same area of the other hand.  You are tapping Large Intestine 4 which is called the Hegu point that helps release tough ego attachments and the fear of letting go of dogmatic thinking. 

7.  Anger:  Think of what you tell yourself to that continues to cause self-angering.  For example, “It’s not fair that he gets away with _____”   Go straight down your body from your nipples and tap firmly into your ribs and take a deep breath.  Think of anger and breathe into your ribs, Anger is an energy that wants to move.  Forgive yourself for having these feelings.  This point is Liver Meridian 14 which holds the emotion of anger.

8.  Betrayal and Injustice:  Think of a belief of how you were hurt.  Tap the sides of your body firmly at your waist on the lower ribs.  Breathe into the self-angering belief and forgive yourself for having strong feelings.  Remember that we are all capable of doing things that betray and hurt others.  Allow the feelings of injustice and the hurt feelings to slowly melt away. Forgive yourself for being a normal human being who has feelings of being wronged and the strong emotions that accompany them.  This point is Liver Meridian 13 which holds the emotion of anger. 

9.  Surprise and Shock:  Tap on the inside of your little finger at the inside of the nail.  Breathe deeply and forgive yourself for feeling surprised and shocked by what happened to you.  Repeat on your other little finger and forgive yourself for being so overwhelmed by what happened to you. Surprise, shock and forgiveness are some of the emotions indicated by the Heart Meridian. You tap Heart 9 at the inside of the little finger.

10.  Hurt and Sadness:  Tap on the inside of your index finger at the nail.  Think of how the event has affected you.  Breathe into any feelings of hurt and sadness that come up. You are tapping Lung Meridian which holds sadness, regret, and anguish.

11.  Injustice to Self with Self-Angering Beliefs:  Use your fist to hit your heart firmly while breathing deeply.  This is the Thymus Thump procedure which puts a strong vibration into the thymus gland and the heart.  Think of your pride of holding onto anger and hatred and ask for forgiveness.  Forgive yourself for feeling good about thoughts of revenge and feeling satisfied about hurting the other person as you were hurt.  Focus on how holding on to anger hurts you now more than the other person. Tap into your heart that wants forgiveness:

“I forgive myself for harboring any grudges, hatred or beliefs about being betrayed.  Even though I’ve held a belief that an injustice was done to me, I am doing a greater injustice to myself by holding on to anger and other strong about what happened. 

I choose to let grudges, hatred and old beliefs of injustice go.  I choose to move on with my life and not give energy to something from the past that I cannot change.  I choose to release my belief that life must be fair.  I choose to release all feelings and beliefs that I was harmed.  I forgive myself and I am a good person.”

Check your distress level again.  See if it has gone down.  Repeat the exercise if your level has not gone down to a one or two.  This second time, try to remember an earlier time in your life when you felt a similar injustice.  Hold this event and the person with whom you were upset in your mind while you repeat the steps.  Repeat with any other experiences where you felt a similar sense of being wronged and betrayed by someone and you dwelled on the belief that an injustice had been done to you and told yourself that “Life isn’t fair.”  

Repeat while thinking of a memory of your parents doing something when you told yourself that it was unfair.  Maybe they broke a promise or treated your sibling differently.  Of course life is not fair.  Holding onto beliefs that it must be will only bring you misery.  Soften and forgive yourself and tell yourself that you are a good person even thought you have strong feelings of anger, betrayal and want to hold a grudge.

One person reported her experience using this technique which expressed the complexity of her anger, “This first time through, I didn’t accomplish peace—too much was running through my mind.  The second time through, concentration was more streamlined and I could breathe out the pain that was stored up inside.  By the third time, I felt release.  The breathing was calm and the bridge of my nose didn’t hurt as bad as before.  The tension released.  The anger subsided.  Thank you.” 

Peace and joy,

Lynne Namka

Personal Bill of Rights

• I have the right to say to requests or demands I cannot meet.
• I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
• I have the right to change my mind.
• I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
• I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
• I have the right to say to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
• I have the right to determine my own priorities.
• I have the right to not be responsible for other behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
• I have the right to expect honesty from others.
• I have the right to be angry with someone I love.
• I have the right to be uniquely myself.
• I have the right to feel scared and say, I am afraid
• I have the right to say, I don’t know
• I have the right to let go of the need to be giving excuses or reasons for my behavior.
• I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
• I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
• I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
• I have the right to be healthier than ever.
• I have the right to remove myself from situations where I feel uncomfortable.
• I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
• I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
• I have the right to change and grow.
• I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
• I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
• I have the right to be happy.
• I have the right to accept that I am enough.
• I have the right to listen to inner voice and take accordingly action.
• I have the right to believe in my Higher Power.
• I have the right to laugh at myself.
• I have the right to choose what’s best for me rather than settle, satisfying someone else.
• I have the right to listen to what creates peace, harmony and balance for me.
• I have the right to nourish my body, my mind and my spirit.
• I have the right to know that more I love and believe in me; the more I can love you.
• Author unknown

drop 36: the ultimate thermostat

drop 36: the ultimate thermostat

Our own self image, belief, or esteem is just like our heating and cooling thermostats – it’s a cybernetic system. Interesting that in the 1960’s Maxwell Maltz wrote Psycho Cybernetics. I read it then and what struck me was that Maltz was a plastic surgeon and he noted that people with facial disfigurations, when repaired, they still saw themselves as though the disfigurations were still present.



Here is an example of how this works. I’ve chosen children and report cards, yet this works for each of us, no matter what age.

1. We set the thermostat to keep the house warm or cool at 70 degrees.
1. A child's grades over a period of time are average. This is what his report card reflects. This is what his teachers tell him. This is what his parents tell him. His work is average.

2. Someone comes into the house and leaves the front door open in winter.
2. Parents offer incentives for the child to do better and, he is temporarily inspired.

3. Signal goes to furnace to turn it on to bring the temp back to 70.
3. Inspired child works hard with some results for a short period of time.

4. When 70 degrees is restored, signal tells furnace to shut off.
4. Before long the child loses temporary inspiration and goes back to his average behavior.

To change the 'set point' as to what a child believes he can accomplish, it takes spaced repetitive and consistent feeding of information that says the child is better than average. Since most parents are simply unaware of how their own and their child's self esteem is built, they do not even know what they have done to build that image ... nor what they can do to reverse it.

As we are all born with infinite potential, it is a pity to see and hear that a child's image of himself is average (or less than average).

The 'setting' of the image can come in words like "that was stupid," "you weren't thinking," "these are terrible grades," "can't you do any better," "your brother got all A's," and so on and so forth. The more times a child hears these things, the more 'locked in' self image becomes.

Is it true -- that he is average (or that we are)? Of course it is not. But what we believe, is the truth for us. We never outperform our own self image. This is likely THE biggest reason why only a very few people are really successful. If you don't believe you can be, you will not be. I address this very issue specifically in my Think & Grow Rich mastermind studies and in my new program for communities and schools, Style & Mindset.

Wishing you a safe, warm and industrious holiday season with results in the new year that are bigger and better than ever before!

Leslie Flowers

To thine own self be true

Shakespeare said that many years ago. Being true to yourself actually is the first step to doing anything for others. You can only give out what you have so fill up on love, joy, self respect. When you are aware of your own needs and meet those within yourself you then have that to share with others in your life.

Often people deal with burn out from doing too much and spreading their energy too thin. We live in a very fast paced world and it’s easy to just do too much and not take care of you. You are important. As a mother your patience, wisdom and understanding are dependent upon your taking care of yourself and your emotional, physical and spiritual needs.

A long bath with a good book, sitting in the back yard watching the birds, going for a long and relaxing walk are all wonderful ways to connect yourself to balance.

Buy yourself a vase full of flowers and delight in their color, texture and scent. Love yourself well.. I say that to each person I meet and for a very good reason. You will have more to share with others when you are being good to yourself.

Making sure you get food that satisfies the body, mind and spirit, rest that restores physical and mental energy, down time to restore the soul; all these fill you up with energy and the more full you are the more you have to give and the more you enjoy your life experience.

The reason so many are creating experiences they don’t enjoy is they are just plain tired, worn out, drained and that gives way to frustration. Frustration creates more to feel that way about.

Being good to yourself is the fastest way to create beauty in your life and guarantees you have plenty of love, respect and kindness to share with others.

How do you feed your soul?

Donna DeVane
http://secretdesigncreationsblog.com/

Giving up the Miserable Practice of Needing to be Perfect and Expecting Others to Be

Giving up the Miserable Practice of Needing
to be Perfect and Expecting Others to Be

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2010


Expecting yourself or others to be perfect is an unfortunate way of thinking that is absolutely crazy making! Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations of themselves or others. Putting these unrealistic expectations on others creates frustration, anger and sometimes depression if you turn them back on yourself.

Perfectionistic thinking often manifests as judgments and “shoulds.” When you hear yourself making a "should judgment," you can tell yourself, “That’s only my ego nagging me with a should!” Modify your unyielding, unrealistic expectations for others—those absolutist shoulds, absolutes, have tos, ought tos and musts and make them preferences and wishes instead. These ways of viewing the world definitely breaks into your peace of mind and happiness.

Often perfectionistic thinking is passed down as a family generational theme. Shame of not measuring up to the unrealistic standards of the parents is passed from generation to generation. Critical parental behavior produces shame-prone children who then criticize themselves and others. When a child’s essential needs for stability, attention, affection, approval and validation were shamed, any time later in life when a valid need comes up, he might drop back into these old feelings.

The child who lives with constant criticism learns to hide his vulnerable feelings and his failures when the parents have high expectations of behavior. He or she feels rejected if the parent humiliates and punishes him for crying. The child learns to reject all aspects of himself including the wonderful ones. The rejected child believes that he must be really bad or his parents would accept and love him. He can stop trying to succeed as he might fail and he can’t bear the uncomfortable feelings that accompany failure. To protect his already fragile self-esteem, he procrastinates or gives up before he starts.

Failure is a necessary part of learning. Learning to cope with failure is a positive social skill that is necessary for success! How we cope with being thwarted on a goal defines whether we become a loser or a learner. The moment of failure presents a Y in the road: in one direction blaming either self or others or the other, problem solving. Once when I goofed up in a big way my boss said, “Lynne, what do we do about this?” Failure presents the opportunity for learning, for change and increased self-esteem.

Perfectionistic thoughts are obsessive lies of the ego that do you in. They can be stopped dead in their tracks through self-talk and The Emotional Freedom Technique. Reprogram your mind to KNOW that errors are for learning! Stop and ponder these quotes from wise minds that reflect on the value of learning through failure and giving up old, perfectionistic beliefs:

“Failure is not the worst thing in the world; the very worst is not to try.”

Anonymous

“One of the reasons people stop learning is that they become less and less willing to risk failure.”

John W. Gardner

“Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.”

Edward Eggleston

“The way to succeed is to double your error rate.”

Thomas J. Watson

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

Truman Capote

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.”

Denis Waitley

“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.”

Robert Schuller

“Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”

Henry Van Dyke

“I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”

Anne Lamott

“A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect.”

Chinese Proverb

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”

Gandhi

“I am perfectly imperfect and I allow this perfect imperfection in myself. I do strive for a standard of excellence in my work. That is perfectly right for me.”

Lynne Namka

“We are completely perfect, but we need a minor adjustment.”

Suzuki Roshi

“Your life will have a kind of perfection, although you will not be a saint. The perfection will consist in this: You will be very weak and you will make many mistakes; you will be awkward, for you will be poor in spirit and hunger and thirst for justice. You will not be perfect, but you will love. This is the gate and the way. There is nothing greater than love. There is nothing more true that love; nothing more real. So let us hand our lives over to love and seal the bond of love.”

Eberhard Arnold


Peace and joy,

Lynne

“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person. “

David M. Burns

[Lynne's website:] http://www.AngriesOut.com

Women and Self Esteem

Women and Self Esteem
By Maggie Vlazny, MSW, LCSW

What do you like about yourself? Are you proud of yourself? If these questions make you feel uncomfortable, or you cannot answer them, chances are that you have a problem with self esteem. Why is that? Why do so many of us basically dislike ourselves? Why are we embarrassed to "esteem" ourselves?

Before answering this question, we must first define self-esteem. Self esteem comes from the inside out. It means that a woman is not dependent upon anyone else to make her feel good about herself, because she already knows she's fine just the way she is. She is confident and aware of her strengths and abilities. She wants to share them with others.

This does not mean she is conceited. She is also aware of areas needing work and growth. But that's OK, because she knows she's not perfect, and she doesn't have to be. No one is. She understands that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Self-esteem is a core identity issue, essential to personal validation and our ability to experience joy. Once achieved, it comes from the inside out. But it is assaulted or stunted from the outside in. A woman with low self-esteem does not feel good about herself because she has absorbed negative messages about women from the culture and/or relationships.

The reign of youth, beauty and thinness in our society dooms every woman to eventual failure. Womens magazines, starting with the teenage market, program them to focus all their efforts on their appearance. Many girls learn, by age 12, to drop formerly enjoyable activities in favor of the beauty treadmill leading to nowhere. They become fanatical about diets. They munch, like rabbits, on leaves without salad dressing, jog in ice storms, and swear they love it! Ads abound for cosmetic surgery, enticing us to "repair" our aging bodies, as if the natural process of aging were an accident or a disease. Yet with all this effort, they still never feel like they are good enough.

How can they? Magazine models are airbrushed to perfection, and anorexic. "Beautiful" movie stars are whipped into perfect shape by personal trainers, and use surgery to create an unnatural cultural ideal. But youth cannot last. It is not meant to. If women buy into this image of beauty, then the best an older woman can strive for is looking "good for her age" or worse yet, "well preserved". Mummies are well preserved. Mummies are also dead.

Abusive experiences join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem. Abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless. Many, many women have told me that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman put it, "his words scarred my soul". Women whose abuse started as children have the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.

Poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with this problem don't go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don't think they're worth the time.

Relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don't deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve. Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter.The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.

In the workplace, women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up. Finally, with friends, they are unable to say no. They end up doing favors they don't want to do, or have any time for. They end up going where they don't want to go, with people they don't want to go with! A woman with low self-esteem has no control over her life. But that can change. These women can get help and emotional healing.

It is critical to remember that no one deserves to be abused. If something bad has happened to you, it does not mean there is something wrong with you. The responsibility for the abuse lies with the person who chooses to hurt you. If you are presently being abused, you must put yours and your children safety first. If you think you are in danger, you can call your state domestic violence hotline number. NJ STATEWIDE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 1-800-572-7233.

You can choose your own identity. You can discard the popular cultural image and replace it with something real. As I read someplace once, "We are bound by our fate only as long as we accept the values that determine it."

Nobody is perfect, but everyone is worthwhile. Believe in yourself.