The Three R’s: Rage, Revenge and Retaliation

The Three R’s: Rage, Revenge and Retaliation

© Lynne Namka, Ed. D.

The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are the extremes of anger.  They usually happen after a sense of being betrayed.  Betrayal is a complex emotional assault where the person feels overwhelmed, traumatized and out of control.  The sense of being betrayed happens when a person believed that he could trust another person or a situation and would be safe. Instead he or she got such a huge emotional hit that he or she becomes devastated and feels overwhelmed.  Trust is broken and the strong emotions come in and get stuck.  Feeling safe in the world is shaken and innocence is lost.

When there has been a sense of betrayal, the heart meridian takes the shock and many of the other meridians go out of balance.  Brain chemistry changes as the person goes into a sympathetic nervous system response getting ready to fight or run.  At times the person gets locked into this fight/flight energetic state.  Later in life, he or she may trigger when events are similar and the same strong emotions of being overwhelmed and traumatized come back automatically. 

Some people harbor grudges as a defense against being hurt again.  They may ruminate about the unhappy event by dwelling on the memory and reviewing it often.  Hatred and grudges are often challenging to break as they may protect the person from being vulnerable again.  They can be connected to satisfaction and the self-justification and pride of holding on to intense anger.  Sometimes grudges can be learned as a habit from a parent (My mother and her family always held grudges and I’m just like them.)   To keep on chewing on unhappy memories only leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.  We all have had experiences in life that hold the opportunity for us to become bitter or deal with the disappointment and move on.  So when you are disappointed about something, choose to talk about it and get past it rather than let a bitter attitude set in.

Revenge thoughts are grudges plus wanting to get even with the other person. Revengeful thoughts are basically selfish in nature with the belief of: “I have the right to hurt him because he injured me.” This is based on beliefs of “It's not fair.” Revenge is “I can enjoy thoughts of hurting another person in my mind to get back at him.” Revenge creates pseudo self-esteem of feeling good about one's self by relishing ideas of harming another person. Vengeful thoughts can actually trigger endorphins in the brain which associate hurting others with feeling good.

Grudges fan the fire of anger as a way of trying to feel safe by feeling powerful in fantasy. Grudge holding and revenge are way of putting up walls to guard the self against further hurt. Building a thick wall helps angry people ward of feelings of disappointment and rejection.  The belief is “If I don’t let others get too close, they can’t hurt me.”  One person described his wall building process.  “I learned to build such a thick wall around me that others can’t get in.  I’ve got titanium walls built around me.  Nobody gets past these walls.  It keeps me safe although I am lonely a lot.” 

One of the building blocks for a tight wall is holding onto revenge.  Revenge is challenging to break into because of the positive value of enjoyment and feelings of prerogative and privilege.  Revenge says that I have the right to hurt someone and feel good about it.  The best revenge is a successful life. Acting in ways that make you become successful while holding on to your integrity is the best revenge for any hurt that done to you. 

Taken to its max, a grudge can become revenge and aggression that is rationalized as good.  Revenge which is tied to extreme religious fanaticism or family loyalty can lead to “holy wars” and gang violence.  People who tie their self-esteem to feeling superior, pride and self-righteousness are typically caught in a big energetic imbalance to their entire system.  Many extremely angry people don’t have a way to release their dogmatic ways of thinking and acting.  Some do not want to as they believe that they are right.  The issue here is not about being right or wrong but in gaining peace of mind.

Continuing to dwell on bitterness because someone wronged you creates a huge stressor to your mind and body.  Stress upsets your brain chemistry and your serotonin level.  Environmental toxins, poor eating habits and alcohol and substance abuse can also lower serotonin levels in the brain.  You are ruled by your intense emotions not your logical mind.  Use the techniques presented in this book to help the prefrontal cortex get the upper hand over the amygdala and increase the blood flow to the thinking, rational parts of the brain.

The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are powerful emotions to be understood and harnessed.  Transformed they can bring a calmness to your life and an increase in self-esteem as you accomplish something extremely important.

The Complexity of Big Anger

We think of anger as one emotion, but actually it’s a catch-all reaction for many other jumbled-up feelings.  Intense anger is so complex and challenging to release because of the many other emotions that accompany it or hide underneath it.  This following technique factors out the different emotions that make up the total anger load which keep the hatred or grudge stuck. 

Hostility always breeds more hostility.  The more you hold, the more you look for and guess what?  What you look for you will surely find.  This Big Anger technique helps to break into hostile stuck energies and bring about a calming effect.  As you tap, notice any acu-point where there is tenderness or pain—this may be an area where energy is stuck.  Spend more time tapping on these to move the energy.  Yes, this exercise is long, but rage, grudges and hatred are very complex and you are the one being hurt now by the complexity of your unresolved feelings.

Tap to Release Big Anger, Grudges and Hatred Technique

Think of something where you feel an injustice has been done to you in the past and you continue to dwell on in.  Think about your belief that “Life isn’t fair.”  The belief that life should be fair is a destructive error in thinking that keeps people stuck.  See the event in your mind’s eye and allow any feeling to come up.

Rate the event on a scale of one to ten of distress with ten being the highest level of being upset.  Ask yourself, “Do I want to remain angry or do I want peace of mind?”  Set your intention for change to release disturbing thoughts and feelings and to forgive yourself for being upset and wanting to harm others.  

1.  Irritation and Overwhelmed:  Tap on the inside of your eyebrows at the bony ridge of the eye socket above the upper bridge of your nose. Think of feeling irritated by the wrong that was done to you and breathe into this area.  Tap briskly while feeling overwhelmed at what happened to you.  Forgive yourself for having these challenging emotions.  This is Bladder 1 acupressure point and an allergy point that is often becomes tender in people when they are irritated.

2.  Resentment:  Think of the resentment that you feel about the injustice.  Rub your temples on both sides of your head with a circular motion and then tap sharply.  Think of the energy that it takes to hold onto resentment and breathe it out.  The Gall Bladder Meridian runs around the temple area and around the ears represents the emotions of resentment and frustration.  You are tapping Gall Bladder point 14.

3.  Frustration:  Think of being frustrated and feeling out of control about the event.  Cup your fingers and tap around your ears.   Think of letting go frustration.  At this point in time, the only one being hurt by your holding onto frustration is yourself.  You are tapping the Gall Bladder Meridian and acupoints 8 through 12.

4.  Bitterness and Hatred:  Tap at the outside of your nostrils and breathe in deeply.  Think about your inflexibility, bitterness, regret, guilt and the inability to forgive.  Do not judge yourself because you have held this bitterness.  You have done the best you could with them until now.  You have not known how to release them and now you want something better for yourself.  You are tapping Large Intestine 19 associated with holding on to negative beliefs.

5.  Fear of Being Hurt Again:  Tap on your collarbones and take a sharp breath and hold it for a while before letting it out slowly.  Grudges serve the purpose to keep you from being hurt by the person again.  Forgive yourself for holding onto the grudge to protect yourself from being harmed again and resolve that you will avoid situations of harm.  You are tapping Kidney 27 which holds the emotion of fear.

6.  Feeling Stuck:  Tap on the fleshy part of the back of your hand near the bone between your thumb and index finger.  Focus on holding on, a grudge or rigid thinking.  Change hands and tap on the same area of the other hand.  You are tapping Large Intestine 4 which is called the Hegu point that helps release tough ego attachments and the fear of letting go of dogmatic thinking. 

7.  Anger:  Think of what you tell yourself to that continues to cause self-angering.  For example, “It’s not fair that he gets away with _____”   Go straight down your body from your nipples and tap firmly into your ribs and take a deep breath.  Think of anger and breathe into your ribs, Anger is an energy that wants to move.  Forgive yourself for having these feelings.  This point is Liver Meridian 14 which holds the emotion of anger.

8.  Betrayal and Injustice:  Think of a belief of how you were hurt.  Tap the sides of your body firmly at your waist on the lower ribs.  Breathe into the self-angering belief and forgive yourself for having strong feelings.  Remember that we are all capable of doing things that betray and hurt others.  Allow the feelings of injustice and the hurt feelings to slowly melt away. Forgive yourself for being a normal human being who has feelings of being wronged and the strong emotions that accompany them.  This point is Liver Meridian 13 which holds the emotion of anger. 

9.  Surprise and Shock:  Tap on the inside of your little finger at the inside of the nail.  Breathe deeply and forgive yourself for feeling surprised and shocked by what happened to you.  Repeat on your other little finger and forgive yourself for being so overwhelmed by what happened to you. Surprise, shock and forgiveness are some of the emotions indicated by the Heart Meridian. You tap Heart 9 at the inside of the little finger.

10.  Hurt and Sadness:  Tap on the inside of your index finger at the nail.  Think of how the event has affected you.  Breathe into any feelings of hurt and sadness that come up. You are tapping Lung Meridian which holds sadness, regret, and anguish.

11.  Injustice to Self with Self-Angering Beliefs:  Use your fist to hit your heart firmly while breathing deeply.  This is the Thymus Thump procedure which puts a strong vibration into the thymus gland and the heart.  Think of your pride of holding onto anger and hatred and ask for forgiveness.  Forgive yourself for feeling good about thoughts of revenge and feeling satisfied about hurting the other person as you were hurt.  Focus on how holding on to anger hurts you now more than the other person. Tap into your heart that wants forgiveness:

“I forgive myself for harboring any grudges, hatred or beliefs about being betrayed.  Even though I’ve held a belief that an injustice was done to me, I am doing a greater injustice to myself by holding on to anger and other strong about what happened. 

I choose to let grudges, hatred and old beliefs of injustice go.  I choose to move on with my life and not give energy to something from the past that I cannot change.  I choose to release my belief that life must be fair.  I choose to release all feelings and beliefs that I was harmed.  I forgive myself and I am a good person.”

Check your distress level again.  See if it has gone down.  Repeat the exercise if your level has not gone down to a one or two.  This second time, try to remember an earlier time in your life when you felt a similar injustice.  Hold this event and the person with whom you were upset in your mind while you repeat the steps.  Repeat with any other experiences where you felt a similar sense of being wronged and betrayed by someone and you dwelled on the belief that an injustice had been done to you and told yourself that “Life isn’t fair.”  

Repeat while thinking of a memory of your parents doing something when you told yourself that it was unfair.  Maybe they broke a promise or treated your sibling differently.  Of course life is not fair.  Holding onto beliefs that it must be will only bring you misery.  Soften and forgive yourself and tell yourself that you are a good person even thought you have strong feelings of anger, betrayal and want to hold a grudge.

One person reported her experience using this technique which expressed the complexity of her anger, “This first time through, I didn’t accomplish peace—too much was running through my mind.  The second time through, concentration was more streamlined and I could breathe out the pain that was stored up inside.  By the third time, I felt release.  The breathing was calm and the bridge of my nose didn’t hurt as bad as before.  The tension released.  The anger subsided.  Thank you.” 

Peace and joy,

Lynne Namka

The Responsibility Game

The Journey

“One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice—

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night
and the road full of fallen

branches and stone.

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do—

determined to save

the only life you could save.”

Mary Oliver

 

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The Responsibility Game

Lynne Namka Ed. D. © 2008

People from all over the world write to me, mostly women but sometimes it’s a man, asking about what they can do to help their loved one or family member “control” his or her anger.  Or how they can help “diffuse” their partner’s anger.  They say that their partner is “such a good guy or a good woman” and the only flaw is the “anger problem.”  Or they feel so sorry for their out-of-control child or abusive parent who hurts others.  This well-meaning intention to help is good but it is misplaced as it enables the angry person to stay as he is.  The only person who can change their anger is the angry person. 

Feelings of pity and guilt over someone else’s inability to stop doing something harmful to themselves like drinking or drugging, getting angry or get their homework done or anything that the rest of the world is able to do but they can’t/won’t are a waste of energy.  Guilt and feeling sorry for someone is at the bottom of the codependency need to fix someone else as a defensive maneuver so that you don’t look at your own behavior. 

We get the relationships we are willing to put up with.  We were not able to choose the family of our childhood, and how they dealt with stressors.  Some caring partners accept the negative behaviors of others and never insist on change.  If you have felt helpless in your childhood with an angry parent, you may think that angry relationships are the way life is supposed to be.  Living with anger may be familiar to you, but it is not healthy.  One fifty-two-year-old woman described the freedom she felt when she finally learned to assertively say to her nit-picking husband, “Don’t go there.  Just don’t go there.”

Put “checks and balances” in the areas where your partner’s behavior gets out of control. Calmly calling your partner on his bad behavior may work if he has some voice of reason within and a willingness for fairness and justice.  A person whose behavior is continually disturbing to others needs feedback at a time when he is calm as to how he hurts others so he can evaluate the consequences of his actions.  Calling a person on the consequences of their behavior helps maintain the moral order of the relationship.  Loving firmness is the best way to talk to a person about his unacceptable behavior. Remind him that fair is fair and you expect him to be reasonable with his anger.  There are unspoken boundaries between couples that are played out with nonverbal and verbal snippets of control behaviors.  One man said, “I can’t talk to her directly about her nagging as she blows up as she’s too sensitive to hear any criticism.  So when it gets too bad, I glare and she backs off.  We’ve got this “Glare and back off contract that she isn’t even aware of!”

One way to maintain fairness is to insist on having a correction technique for all members of the household.  Correction is a behavioral technique where the person who messes up the environment is required to clean it up as an offer of restitution.  The correction procedure holds people responsible for their misbehavior by requiring them to undo, as much as possible, the damage they have done.  Correction of what has been disturbed in the environment gives practical penalties for disturbing the home and the people who have been affected.  With correction, the person who throws things must pick them up and return them to their proper place.  If he breaks things, he must replace them.  If he yells and screams, he must apologize to those he has disturbed.  Correction procedures should be installed with all members of the family. 

Just like two-year-olds, grownup temper tantrums last longer when a person has an audience.  You need not stay in the same room with a raging person.  Warn him that you will leave when he is yelling and go take care of yourself.  Don’t stick around and take the barrage of ugly words.  Take the children and leave quietly, saying that you are not running away but are giving him some space to cool off and you hope that the next time he will take his own time out.  Go to another room or get in the car and leave for a while.  If he gets angry because he is fearful of being alone, level with him to show that his anger will create his being left alone for awhile for both of you to cool off.  You are not abandoning him but you are removing yourself from his anger. 

A common myth is that people have no control over their feelings. That’s old thinking—now with all the techniques and anger management classes that we have available for anger release, blowing up in anger at others is a choice. Watch how you enable other people’s bad behavior.  Do you make excuses for him?  Do you tell the children that their dad can’t help it?  It is not your job to try to get anyone else to “diffuse” or “control” his anger.  It is the job of each angry person to take care of his anger and find appropriate ways to express it.  An angry person may not have the motivation to do so.  If you excuse him repeatedly for his outbursts without any consequences, why should he be expected to change?

Don’t be held hostage by other people’s feelings.  And while you are at it, take a look at your own anger responses.  You and only you are responsible for your thinking and the way you think creates the type of life that you will create.  No other person or thing has the ability to get inside your head and pushes a button marked anger.  Nobody pulls your chain, pulls your trigger or pushes your button.  Only you make yourself feel what you feel.  The bottom line is that you are always responsible for what you think, say and do. And you are responsible if you have allowed another person to treat you with disrespect!  

Positive Self-Talk Affirmations:

I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions.

I am responsible for deciding what I will and will not stand for.

I am responsible for how I treat people and allow them to treat me.

I can only feel good about myself if I live in accordance with my positive values. 

I affirm that I am healthy and whole and I am worthy of being a happy person.

Be gentle with yourself; you are learning to be more honest with yourself to break into habits of a lifetime. If you slip up and revert back to a behavior you dislike, analyze what went wrong. Tell yourself that you made a slip and you will be more careful next time. You will get better over time. You are responsible for how you act in the future.  Forgive yourself for doing what you have learned and vow to be different.   If you do an Energy Psychology technique about your behavior and the beliefs that lie underneath it, you will be less likely to slip in the future.

A client recently said to me, “I am willing to do whatever I need to do to become whole.  That includes challenging my defense mechanisms over and over.”  Wow!  What courage that took to be willing to confront the unhealthy behaviors that other threw at her.  

Peace and joy,

Lynne

This article is taken from my book, Your Quick Anger Makeover: Plus Twenty Other Cutting-edge Techniques to Release Anger!

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Most of all, let love guide your life.

 Colossians 3:14

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How Gossip, Complaints & Swear Words are Good for Manifesting

How Gossip, Complaints & Swear Words are Good for Manifesting

Deliberate creators are often advised that in order to maintain a high vibration we should eliminate all gossip, complaints, swear words and anything else negative from our conversations.

Most of us would consider that good advice, and many of us have attempted to practice it for long stretches at a time.

But the thing is sometimes a little bitch session, trash talking or wisely chosen expletive is exactly what we need to improve our alignment.

Not convinced?

You’ve probably already experienced this. Have you ever laughed out loud when a friend swears inappropriately? Or when you have? Or felt relief when you suspended your “good behavior” to give someone a piece of your mind?

Or maybe you’ve hung up from a little girlfriend gossip session feeling better than you did before you conversed?

If not, you really must try it. It’s all the rage for leading edge manifestors. ;)

Gossip, complaints and swear words don’t always feel better - but sometimes, depending where we’re at on the vibrational scale, a little four letter word or an “inappropriate” comment is just the ticket to a better vibe.

Even Abraham says sometimes being negative is what you’ve got to do before you can feel better. It’s what they mean when they suggest going from “specific negative” to “general negative.” As in: “I am sick and tired of being underpaid for what I do” to “actually, my entire industry is under-appreciated. It’s not just me.”

After you make that transition, then you can get to “general positive” (“But we do do important work“) and on to “specific positive” (“I love the project I’m working on now.”)

Sometimes the ticket to movement in your feeling state is to let yourself do what savvy creators aren’t “supposed” to do - complain about the neighbor or swear at the traffic or gossip about the in-laws.

It’s not pretty, but sometimes it is just what the doctor ordered. So if you’re stuck in a bad vibe, try on a little gossip, complaining and/or swear word to see if you can find a bit of relief to kick start your upward spiral.

Jeannette Maw

Jeannette Maw is a Master Certified Coach and founder of Good Vibe University. Catch up with her latest LOA ideas at www.goodvibeblog.com.

Forgiveness by Sheri Rosenthal

Forgiveness by Sheri Rosenthal

“That which you know as truth and that which you know as untruth, put together is the truth.” ~Vedas

We hear so much about forgiveness, in our churches, on Oprah, in new age magazines, but do we truly understand what the big deal about forgiveness is? We read that if we forgive others and ourselves we are doing our spiritual work and becoming better people, but what does that mean to us? You can forgive that guy you dated a while back until you run into him someplace and then you want to wreak revenge on him. You can forgive your parents for your horrible childhood but as soon as you get on the phone with your Dad you are arguing just like you always have. So, what good is forgiveness anyway?

The key to forgiveness is to forgive from the heart not from the mind. Knowing in your rational mind that your parents did the best they could to raise you is not enough to constitute forgiveness. That is why every time you are with your Dad you still argue. If you really forgave him you would not be reacting that way. You would have compassion for his dream and understand that he is just expressing his point of view. If you truly let go of the pain of your childhood, your self-importance, and your need to be right about your point of view, you would not be taking him personally any more. If you were not taking him personally you would not be angry and it would not be necessary to punish him by behaving like an angry child. It behoves us to look at ourselves with honesty and objectivity. You can say you have forgiven someone in your life, but the proof is in the pudding.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~Catherine Ponder

If you have an emotional reaction in the presence of someone, your heart is telling you that you have not resolved your issues with them. In other words, you have not truly forgiven that person. All of this begs the question, how do we forgive? First, cease lying to yourself and stop telling yourself stories about why you behave the way you do. Stop blaming your behaviour on other people and take responsibility for your emotional reactions. If you could forgive all the people in your life who have hurt or wounded you it would be possible to be in control of your behavior instead of being in reaction to other people all of the time. Imagine living life without experiencing a constant emotional roller coaster of pain, anger, and jealousy! That would be bliss!

The important thing is to have awareness of what has transpired and be able to tell yourself the truth about it. Have you truly forgiven or has your rational mind been telling you a story that you have? Once you have determined what is truth and what is a justification, you are ready for the next step. Second, look at your life with clarity. Try to see what happened in your past, not only from your point of view, but also from the other person’s point of view. We need to be able to walk in the other persons shoes to understand why things happened the way they did. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with what they did or how they did it. Not at all. Your values and beliefs may be very different from theirs. All this means is that you can see the whole truth of what happened and the whole truth encompasses all points of view, not just your own.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Take some time to listen to how you tell the story of your life. Perhaps it would be helpful to journal the story of a particular time in your life that you have been challenged by. Listen to what you have written. Does it sound like you were victimized by your circumstances? Be objective, if someone heard your story would they say someone did you wrong, that you are resentful, vengeful and angry? If so, this is your first clue that you are seeing things from only one point of view. Why? Well, if you felt like someone hurt you then obviously you took the other persons actions personally. You assumed you knew why they did what they did according to your point of view and your beliefs about their words or actions. Chances are that your interpretation of what the other person did or said was not what the other person had in mind when they interacted with you. The key is to imagine what happened from their point of view.

If I say that my husband cheated on me and ruined our marriage and hurt me, I am only telling part of the story. What about my responsibility for my half of the relationship? It is doubtful that I was a vision of loveliness throughout the entire marriage. I had to contribute half of that relationship because all relationships take the contribution of both parties. When I can see both sides clearly, and have compassion for my husband, I can forgive him. But if I am attached to my victim point of view and blame everything on him, forgiveness will never come. Chances are I will bring my anger and resentment into my next relationship as well. This scenario applies to all human interactions in our lives. Rape, physical, emotional and mental abuse, cheating, violence, etc… are all included. Yes, even what we judge to be the most heinous of human activities can be forgiven.

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” ~Sara Paddison

Seeing things with the eyes of truth means that you stop judging the activities of others and, instead, take responsibility for your interpretation of those activities. It means being responsible for how you write the story of what happened. I could say yes, my husband cheated on me in our marriage but, gosh, I was not aware of how my actions impacted our situation. We both had a lot to learn from that relationship. I am glad I can see what happened clearly and have gratitude for the opportunity to grow and become a better person. even if it hurt pretty badly for a while. The key word here is gratitude! We judge everything that happens in life as good or bad, right or wrong. The truth is life just happens, and life is exactly as it is. As long as we are always judging others and life situations according to our point of view, we will never be able to have gratitude for the challenges and experiences life sends our way. No matter how enlightened a person you may be, things will always happen in life. People you love will die, relationships will come and go, the stock market will crash and rise, your car may be totalled but, if you have gratitude for life’s challenges, you will always be writing a beautiful happy story of your life! Even better, you will never feel victimized by your circumstances.

You may think I am living my life in a fairy tale, but I assure you I’m not. We have been domesticated to process our life in a certain way. If you don’t believe me just watch one soap opera on TV. Everyone is stressed out, creating drama, having emotional outbursts, screaming and arguing, defending their points of view, and generally creating a life of misery! Soap operas are popular because they mimic our lives. I am suggesting a different way of perceiving life, one without judgment and with the ability to see the points of view of other people and to see beliefs other than your own. One where you take responsibility for your mind and what it thinks and, as a result of this internal chatter, how you choose to react to any situation. When you can truly see the other person’s point of view then you can forgive from the heart. True compassion of the human experience is the place from which forgiveness begins. Compassion is an act of love that is free of attachment. Of course, the kind of love I am talking about is unconditional love.

“Many people are afraid to forgive because they feel they must remember the wrong or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true. Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of the heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively.” — David McArthur & Bruce McArthur


Once you have seen the truth you must make the decision to let go of the pain, anger, and resentment you have been holding on to. This requires you to take action. If you are attached to your pain, resentment, and self-righteousness, and addicted to your emotional reactions, this will be a difficult step for you. Taking action requires letting go of the very thing you have been holding on to for so many years.

There is comfort in what we find familiar, even if we are experiencing pain and suffering. The pain and suffering itself becomes the familiarity we seek. It takes absolute faith in yourself plus courage, will, and discipline to let go. But once you let go, it will as if the weight of the world has been taken off your shoulders. In this process it is important to forgive not just the others in our lives, but also ourselves. For most people, giving ourselves the gift of forgiveness is very challenging.

• Forgive yourself for using people in your life to hurt yourself.
• Forgive yourself for not having clarity, for blaming others, and for not taking responsibility for your actions.
• Forgive yourself for wounding others and for the anger, jealousy, and hate you directed toward others.
• Forgive yourself for participating in situations that went against your integrity.
• Forgive yourself for not respecting yourself.
• Forgive yourself for not trusting yourself and having faith in your abilities.
• Forgive yourself for trying to control the people you love.
• And, of course, forgive yourself for not loving yourself 100% just the way you are!

“Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”– Abraham Lincoln

More than once my teacher, don Miguel Ruiz, said “In order to merge with spirit your heart must be as light as a feather.”

Well, when you have finally detached from the anger, resentment, and pain of your story your heart will feel as light as a feather. Not only that, but for the first time in your adult life you will be happy, truly happy, and your life will reflect the change back to you in every way. After all what we think in our minds is what manifests in our lives! The bottom line is that we forgive because we love ourselves so much that we want to give ourselves the gift of personal freedom. We forgive not because the other person necessarily deserves it, but because we do not want to carry that load around until we die. Anger, hate, and jealousy will make you old, resentful and ugly, inside and out. The question is, how much do you love and respect yourself? Is it enough to give yourself the gift of forgiveness? I hope so.

The Gift of Anger By Cheryl Richardson

The Gift of Anger By Cheryl Richardson

Almost every day I post an affirmation on my Facebook Fan Page to support visitors in staying on track with living awake and authentic lives. I enjoy the real time, interactive nature of Facebook and I love that I can personally connect with friends from around the globe. You can join us by visiting: facebook.com/cherylrichardson

This week, one affirmation in particular, raised a few questions. My post read:

"I allow myself to embrace my power by fully expressing my anger in healthy and productive ways."

Several people had questions about "healthy and productive ways" to express their anger. As I read through the posts, I was reminded of one of the first times I learned how to do just that. And in doing so, connected with the power hidden beneath my rage. Here's what happened:

In 1991, my friend Lucy died of cancer. She was 83 years old and for three months we walked the path of completing her journey together. It was a life-altering experience for me having never been that close to death and dying. And I was blessed to be with her when she took her last breath.

For several months after her passing I was pretty busy. As the executor of her estate, I was charged with the responsibility of getting her home ready to be sold. It was an emotionally turbulent time. As is often the case when we experience a major life crisis, the floor beneath my feet started to shift and life as I'd known it began to change dramatically. A five year relationship ended. I was forced to leave my apartment. And my work started to move in a whole new direction. During this period there were lots of tears, frustration, and exhaustion.

One day, as my friend Bill and I were going through Lucy's house boxing up her belongings, he listened patiently as I cried and complained about losing my friend and the subsequent uprooting of my life. After listening to me for more than an hour, he asked me to follow him to the basement. Once there, he showed me a large box of light bulbs he had gathered in a corner of the room. "I'm going upstairs" Bill said, "and I'm going to turn up the stereo full blast. When I do, I want you to empty this box, one by one, into the corner of this room." I looked at him as if he were crazy. "And as you smash each lightbulb I want you to scream and yell as loud as you can to get the pent up rage out of your system. Don't come up until all the bulbs are gone."

As Bill climbed the basement stairs, I stood looking at the box. "Was I really that angry?" I thought. I didn't think so. But, honoring his request, as soon as I heard the music kick in I picked up the first light bulb and smashed it in the corner. It made a loud, popping sound. Then, I picked up another and let it rip. By the third lightbulb I was screaming like a mad woman desperately grabbing for the next bulb. By the time I emptied the box, something significant had shifted inside me. I felt both exhausted and exhilarated. I ran up the basement stairs looking for more glass :).

That day taught me about a safe and productive way of expressing anger. Until that time, I had done things like written rage-filled letters that I never sent, or talked about my anger with friends. While these methods were helpful, they never left me feeling empowered the way moving my body did. I suddenly understood that using my intellect to express anger wasn't enough. I needed to physically get the anger up and out of my body to actually feel the power hidden beneath. For days after that experience in the basement I felt lighter, emotionally stronger, and better able to face the job before me.

Since that day, I've thrown light bulbs in my own basement, taken a kick-boxing class when I needed to vent, moved furniture around in my family room so I'd have the space to dance my anger out, or visited a batting cage with Michael to smack baseballs.

There is enormous power hidden beneath your unexpressed anger. Don't use your head to get it out. Use your body instead. Check out this week's "Take Action Challenge" for safe and healthy ideas.


Take Action Challenge

If you have hidden anger or rage (who doesn't?), then find a physical outlet.

Here are some ideas:

Visit a driving range and hit golf balls.

Take a spin class and ride your way to freedom.

Kick a soccer ball around your yard.

Crank up the music at home and scream at the top of your lungs while pounding the sofa.

List your frustrations on a bunch of rocks and throw them into a lake one by one.

As you move, feel the rageful energy leaving your body. Then, wait for the power to emerge. It's there. It's always been there. It's just waiting for you to let it out.