Disturb Me, Please!
by
In graduate school, I had one professor who encouraged us to notice what surprised or disturbed us. If we were surprised by some statement, it indicated we were assuming that something else was true. If we were disturbed by a comment, it indicated we held a belief contrary to that. Noticing what disturbs me has been an incredibly useful lens into my interior, deeply held beliefs. When I'm shocked at anther's position, I have the opportunity to see my own position in greater clarity. When I hear myself saying "How could anyone believe something like that?!" a doorway has opened for me to see what I believe. These moments of true disturbance are grehttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=255639545562445290#at gifts. In making my beliefs visible, they allow me to consciously choose them again, or change them.
What if we were to be together and listen to each other's comments with a willingness to expose rather than to confirm our own beliefs and opinions? What if we were to willingly listen to one another with the awareness that we each see the world in unique ways? And with the expectation that I could learn something new if I listen for the differences rather than the similarities?
We have this opportunity many times in a day, everyday. What might we see, what might we learn, what might we create together, if we become this kind of listener, one who enjoys the differences and welcomes in disturbance? I know we would be delightfully startled by how much difference there is. And then we would be wonderfully comforted by how much closer we became, because every time we listen well, we move towards each other. From our new thoughts and our new companions, we would all become wiser.
It would be more fruitful to explore this strange and puzzling world if we were together. It would also be far less frightening and lonely. We would be together, brought together by our differences rather than separated by them. When we are willing to be disturbed by newness rather than clinging to our certainty, when we are willing to truly listen to someone who sees the world differently, then wonderful things happen. We learn that we don't have to agree with each other in order to explore together. There is no need to be joined together at the head, as long as we are joined together at the heart.
Showing posts with label transitions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transitions. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
On “Growing Wings” by Martha Beck, from Oprah, January 2004 The Phases of Human Metamorphosis
On “Growing Wings” by Martha Beck, from Oprah, January 2004
The Phases of Human Metamorphosis
I used to assume caterpillars became butterflies by weaving cocoons and then sitting inside growing legs and wings and so on. I was wrong. In fact, the first thing caterpillars do in the cocoon is shed their skin, leaving a soft rubbery chrysalis. If you were to look inside the cocoon early on, you’d find nothing but a puddle of glop. But in the glop are DNA-coded instructions for transformation to the butterfly, the angel of the dead caterpillar.
Humans do such transitions too – not physically but psychologically. All of us will experience metamorphosis several times during our lives, exchanging one identity for another. Even after you’re all grown up, your identity isn’t fixed. You may switch careers, change marital status, become a parent, get sick, win the lottery. I don’t know if this is stressful for caterpillars, but for humans this can be hell on wheels. The best way to minimize trauma is to understand the process. Here are the four phases.
Phase One – Dissolving
The first phase is the scariest, especially because we aren’t taught to expect it. It’s the time we lose our identity and are left temporarily formless. Sometimes it is just a “blip” and at others we run into a welter of “dissolving” experiences. You’ll get through it; you won’t have a choice. It’s scary though. Many so-called primitive cultures have rituals designed to teach the art of dissolution. They obscure faces with paint or ash, take names away, or are sent to spend time in wilderness or dark womblike enclosures. We don’t have such traditions, so when we’re dissolving we may get hysterical, fight our feelings, try to recapture our former lives, or jump immediately toward some new status quo. These measures actually slow down Phase One and make it more painful. Here are 4 strategies that work better:
~ Live for one day (or ten minutes) at a time. Focus on the now.
~ “Cocoon” by caring for yourself in physical, immediate ways.
~ Talk to others who’ve metamorphosized – a wise relative, friend, or therapist
~ Let yourself grieve; cycle through denial, anger sadness, acceptance many times.
Dissolving isn’t something you do; it’s something that happens to you. The closest you’ll come to controlling it is relaxing and trusting the process.
Phase Two – Imagining
Phase two can be as welcome as rain after a drought. This is when the part of you that knows your destiny, the imago in your psyche, will begin giving you instructions about how to reorganize the remnants of your old identity into something altogether different. You’ll know you’re beginning when your mind’s eye starts seeing images of the life you are about to create. They can’t be forced, and they are never what you expect, they just happen. You’re becoming a new person and you’ll develop traits and interests your old self didn’t have. You may feel like changing your clothing style or redecorating your space – the old no longer fits. You begin to reorder your outer situation to reflect your inner rebirth. Here are some ways you might want to respond:
~ Cut out magazine pictures that appeal, or draw/sketch/list/write something.
~ Let yourself daydream. Your job is to try out imaginary scenarios until you have a clear picture of your goals and desires. Save time, effort, and grief by doing this in your head before you attempt it in the real world.
Phase Two is about images; making them up, making them clear, making them possible. Writing down both dreams and schemes to create them leads to an action impulse.
Phase Three – Reforming
The itch to make dreams come true signals Phase Three, the implementation stage. You take steps like submitting work or inviting others. You’ll feel motivated to do real, physical things to build a new life. And then… (drum roll please)… you’ll fail. Repeatedly. Through my own experience and that of hundreds of clients, I’ve never seen a significant scheme succeed on the first try. Inevitably there are problems you didn’t expect. Phase three demands not the starry eyes that are so useful in phase Two, but the ingenuity of Thomas Edison and the tenacity of a pit bull. So:
~ Expect things to go wrong and to keep working through lack of success.
~ Be willing to start over. You’ll return briefly to Phase One feeling lost and confused, but this is an opportunity to release some of the illusions that created hitches in your plan.
~ Revisit Phase Two to include the truths you’ve learned.
~ Persist. Keep de-bugging and re-implementing your improved plans.
If you’ve followed all the steps above, your plans will eventually work.
Phase Four - Flying
Phase Four is like crawling out of your cocoon and waiting for your wings to dry and expand. It’s the payoff, when your identity is fully formed and able to fly. The following strategies can help you optimize this delightful situation. They are about fine-tuning:
~ Enjoy! You’ve just negotiated a scary and dramatic transformation. Savor your new identity and focus on gratitude for your success.
~ Make small improvements, little techniques for less stress, more pleasure.
~ Know that another change is just around the bend.
Don‘t attribute your happiness to your new identity; security lies in knowing how to deal with metamorphosis whenever it occurs. Phase Four may last for days or decades.
As the Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron writes, “We are always in transition… If you can just relax with that, you’ll have no problem.” At times you may feel it’s the end of the world, but remember that dissolution of the caterpillar leads to the butterfly.
The Phases of Human Metamorphosis
I used to assume caterpillars became butterflies by weaving cocoons and then sitting inside growing legs and wings and so on. I was wrong. In fact, the first thing caterpillars do in the cocoon is shed their skin, leaving a soft rubbery chrysalis. If you were to look inside the cocoon early on, you’d find nothing but a puddle of glop. But in the glop are DNA-coded instructions for transformation to the butterfly, the angel of the dead caterpillar.
Humans do such transitions too – not physically but psychologically. All of us will experience metamorphosis several times during our lives, exchanging one identity for another. Even after you’re all grown up, your identity isn’t fixed. You may switch careers, change marital status, become a parent, get sick, win the lottery. I don’t know if this is stressful for caterpillars, but for humans this can be hell on wheels. The best way to minimize trauma is to understand the process. Here are the four phases.
Phase One – Dissolving
The first phase is the scariest, especially because we aren’t taught to expect it. It’s the time we lose our identity and are left temporarily formless. Sometimes it is just a “blip” and at others we run into a welter of “dissolving” experiences. You’ll get through it; you won’t have a choice. It’s scary though. Many so-called primitive cultures have rituals designed to teach the art of dissolution. They obscure faces with paint or ash, take names away, or are sent to spend time in wilderness or dark womblike enclosures. We don’t have such traditions, so when we’re dissolving we may get hysterical, fight our feelings, try to recapture our former lives, or jump immediately toward some new status quo. These measures actually slow down Phase One and make it more painful. Here are 4 strategies that work better:
~ Live for one day (or ten minutes) at a time. Focus on the now.
~ “Cocoon” by caring for yourself in physical, immediate ways.
~ Talk to others who’ve metamorphosized – a wise relative, friend, or therapist
~ Let yourself grieve; cycle through denial, anger sadness, acceptance many times.
Dissolving isn’t something you do; it’s something that happens to you. The closest you’ll come to controlling it is relaxing and trusting the process.
Phase Two – Imagining
Phase two can be as welcome as rain after a drought. This is when the part of you that knows your destiny, the imago in your psyche, will begin giving you instructions about how to reorganize the remnants of your old identity into something altogether different. You’ll know you’re beginning when your mind’s eye starts seeing images of the life you are about to create. They can’t be forced, and they are never what you expect, they just happen. You’re becoming a new person and you’ll develop traits and interests your old self didn’t have. You may feel like changing your clothing style or redecorating your space – the old no longer fits. You begin to reorder your outer situation to reflect your inner rebirth. Here are some ways you might want to respond:
~ Cut out magazine pictures that appeal, or draw/sketch/list/write something.
~ Let yourself daydream. Your job is to try out imaginary scenarios until you have a clear picture of your goals and desires. Save time, effort, and grief by doing this in your head before you attempt it in the real world.
Phase Two is about images; making them up, making them clear, making them possible. Writing down both dreams and schemes to create them leads to an action impulse.
Phase Three – Reforming
The itch to make dreams come true signals Phase Three, the implementation stage. You take steps like submitting work or inviting others. You’ll feel motivated to do real, physical things to build a new life. And then… (drum roll please)… you’ll fail. Repeatedly. Through my own experience and that of hundreds of clients, I’ve never seen a significant scheme succeed on the first try. Inevitably there are problems you didn’t expect. Phase three demands not the starry eyes that are so useful in phase Two, but the ingenuity of Thomas Edison and the tenacity of a pit bull. So:
~ Expect things to go wrong and to keep working through lack of success.
~ Be willing to start over. You’ll return briefly to Phase One feeling lost and confused, but this is an opportunity to release some of the illusions that created hitches in your plan.
~ Revisit Phase Two to include the truths you’ve learned.
~ Persist. Keep de-bugging and re-implementing your improved plans.
If you’ve followed all the steps above, your plans will eventually work.
Phase Four - Flying
Phase Four is like crawling out of your cocoon and waiting for your wings to dry and expand. It’s the payoff, when your identity is fully formed and able to fly. The following strategies can help you optimize this delightful situation. They are about fine-tuning:
~ Enjoy! You’ve just negotiated a scary and dramatic transformation. Savor your new identity and focus on gratitude for your success.
~ Make small improvements, little techniques for less stress, more pleasure.
~ Know that another change is just around the bend.
Don‘t attribute your happiness to your new identity; security lies in knowing how to deal with metamorphosis whenever it occurs. Phase Four may last for days or decades.
As the Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron writes, “We are always in transition… If you can just relax with that, you’ll have no problem.” At times you may feel it’s the end of the world, but remember that dissolution of the caterpillar leads to the butterfly.
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