Why Do Pencils Have Erasers?
Why Do Computers Have Delete and Backspace Keys?
One of my favorite anonymous quotes on perfectionism is “No one is perfect; that’s why pencils have erasers.” A recent review of the literature on perfectionism showed two distinct kinds. Normal perfectionism is a “sense of pleasure from painstaking effort and desire to excel while feeling free to be as less precise as the situation demands.” There is a standard of excellence without the neurotic excessive worrying.
Neurotic perfectionists spend a lot of time spinning their wheels and scolding themselves or others! They fall apart and sink into low self-esteem if they make a mistake. They hold the erroneous belief that perfectionism will automatically bring rewards but it only generates worry and grief.
Neurotic perfectionists usually have a higher list of shoulds that they try to impose on their partners and children. Perfectionism is learned behavior; people who had critical, perfectionistic parents learn to be judgmental themselves. They can become angry when their own needs are not met.
Neurotic perfectionistic beliefs have the highest of expectations that cannot be gained. People who are critical and controlling of others because of their unusually high standards have high anxiety and irritability within. They try to keep their nervous feelings down by trying to control the environment and the people in it. They harbor faulty beliefs that certain people are bad, stupid, evil, or do things wrong and it is their moral duty to correct them. They try to impose their values on others in order to keep their own nervous feelings at bay.
Critical statements start with the word “You” followed by an accusation and the insistence that someone else is doing something wrong. They are blame statements. They are all a form of the need for control which insists that “I get to tell you what to do.” Loss of connection and intimacy is always a by-product of the shoulds and demands of perfectionism.
My Critical Part has been Out Lately
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor,” said Anne Lamott. Here is an exercise to help you look at your patterns of judgment and criticism. Write out the answers to help identify your beliefs that make you a controlling person.
One area that I criticize my partner/friend/child is:
When I feel that my needs are not met in this area, the unhealthy ways that I cope are:
What can I do to release my irrational idea that my happiness depends on you changing?
I am willing to observe and examine my behaviors that I’m upset with in you such as:
I pay attention. I interrupt my critical thoughts and words by: (Observation, introspection and meditation, Thought stoppage, The Emotional Freedom Technique, Deep breathing, etc.)
I perceive that others have criticized me for:
Some of the criticism is just. I am willing to acknowledge that I:
I am willing to observe and examine these behaviors that are upsetting to others:
When you come to the fork in the road after an upsetting incident, you can go to blaming or to problem solving. So look to your beliefs and how they make you miserable or contented. The need to control another person’s actions can be understood, analyzed and channeled into higher-level responses which promote healthy interactions for all involved. The next time that you have an unrealistic expectation of someone and a subsequent angry outburst, ask yourself two questions. Am I just acting out of perfectionistic habit needs? Did my action celebrate life or harm life?
Remember, if you reach for the stars and beat yourself up for not getting them, you will end up clutching at air and being pretty darned depressed!
Challenge your negative thoughts and impractical and unworkable demands. Anytime you do something to calm yourself instead of running the turmoil created by your critical nature ego, you are doing affect regulation. Anytime you tell yourself something helpful, you are doing positive self-talk and Thought Stoppage, thus increasing self-esteem. Yeah! You are on the road to positive thinking and living. Author Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Working your mind works. It only works when you work it!
Peace and joy,
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2010
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Ideas taken from the research article, The destructiveness of perfectionism. Implications for the treatment of depression, by Prof. Sidney J. Blatt and The Perfectionist’s Script for Self-defeat (article) by David D. Burns.
My book, Good Bye Ouchies and Grouchies, Hello Happy Feelings: EFT for Kids of All Ages has a companion book. Teaching Emotional Intelligence to Children: Fifty Fun Activities for Parents, Teachers and Therapists gives lesson plans plus EFT tapping statements. Go to http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/newbooks.htm#ouchies to order the set of both books at a discounted rate.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Develop Your Mental Strength - SAY NO!
Develop Your Mental Strength - SAY NO!
Gus Moonfoot
Mental strength is a quality that most people vaguely aspire to. Not many people think about what it is clearly, though. When we do think about it, we mistakenly think it is just 'will-power.' Mental strength, however, is so much more than forgoing a second chocolate brownie. Mental strength is what enables you to not just to make the difficult choices in life, but to see where the difficult choices lie in the first place. It is a quality that without which we go through life as helpless as a leaf upon a fast-moving stream. You don't want to be a helpless leaf, do you?
How do you develop mental strength? The good news is that we are surrounded by opportunities to do this twenty-four hours a day. Our modern, free society means that not only are we free to make our own decisions, but everyone else is free to bombard us with advertising, marketing, and social pressures as well. The techniques to influence our decisions are so sophisticated now we are often not even aware it is happening. Even a film shown without commercials will be full of subtle product placements that are nearly impossible to register. We are manipulated into spending, eating and consuming more than we want or need. The result, unsurprisingly, is that we are left mentally (as well as perhaps physically) weak and exhausted.
If you are normal, and you spend, eat and consume more than you want or need, here is the first step to recovery: abstain! Not from everything, of course. Start small. Choose one thing. It doesn't really matter what it is. For one person it might mean giving up sugar. For someone else it might mean only having the one slice of cake. Find something appropriate for you, something you would normally indulge in, and then resist. You will find this easiest, and perhaps derive the most benefit, if you chose something that you don't really enjoy much in the first place. You know, that sitcom that you watch that isn't funny, or that fried food you eat that really isn't very tasty. Our lives are full of luxuries we don't actually enjoy, but that we consume only because we are used to consuming them. These are the easiest, and most important things to stop right away!
How is abstaining going to increase your mental strength? Remember, this is more than just an exercise in will-power. This is you making a small, but important, stand against the constant barrage of instructions your brain receives to consume. Choosing to drink Coke over Pepsi is not an act of individualism - it is obeying one marketing message instead of another. Choosing to drink neither is you proving to yourself that you retain the ability to make your own decisions.
Here are some dos and don'ts: Don't abstain to lose weight! Do abstain to prove to yourself that you chose what and when to eat. Don't abstain to make a statement to the world about the excesses of capitalism, consumerism, materialism, etc. You can have those beliefs, but that's not what this is about. This is about making a statement to yourself for yourself. And while I'm on the subject, DON'T TELL ANYONE!! Once you tell someone else, whether you mean to or not, you involve them. You look for their approval, or feel their disapproval. You want them to support you or feel disappointed when they don't. Going down this road will dilute all of the benefit you could receive. Don't think of this as being secretive. This is just a private matter for you alone.
Here's what you will gain: a quiet satisfaction that in at least one small part of your life you are in total control. If developed further, you will find yourself in a much stronger position the next time life throws you one of its inevitable curve balls. Eventually you should be able to enter a dialogue with yourself (okay, technically this is a monologue, but you know what I mean) where you are actively choosing which influences, from which sources, you want to allow into your thoughts. Does that sound like a strange idea? It is not. It's just you being yourself, instead of what other people want you to be.
So go on! Try it! Give something up. In five minutes you can probably write a list of five things in your life you do out of habit, or because everyone else does, that you really don't enjoy that much. Chose one, and even if you only give it up for a day, you will feel more alive than you will have from a lifetime of needless consumption. What have you got to lose?
Gus Moonfoot
Posted from Gus Moonfoot's blog
Gus Moonfoot
Mental strength is a quality that most people vaguely aspire to. Not many people think about what it is clearly, though. When we do think about it, we mistakenly think it is just 'will-power.' Mental strength, however, is so much more than forgoing a second chocolate brownie. Mental strength is what enables you to not just to make the difficult choices in life, but to see where the difficult choices lie in the first place. It is a quality that without which we go through life as helpless as a leaf upon a fast-moving stream. You don't want to be a helpless leaf, do you?
How do you develop mental strength? The good news is that we are surrounded by opportunities to do this twenty-four hours a day. Our modern, free society means that not only are we free to make our own decisions, but everyone else is free to bombard us with advertising, marketing, and social pressures as well. The techniques to influence our decisions are so sophisticated now we are often not even aware it is happening. Even a film shown without commercials will be full of subtle product placements that are nearly impossible to register. We are manipulated into spending, eating and consuming more than we want or need. The result, unsurprisingly, is that we are left mentally (as well as perhaps physically) weak and exhausted.
If you are normal, and you spend, eat and consume more than you want or need, here is the first step to recovery: abstain! Not from everything, of course. Start small. Choose one thing. It doesn't really matter what it is. For one person it might mean giving up sugar. For someone else it might mean only having the one slice of cake. Find something appropriate for you, something you would normally indulge in, and then resist. You will find this easiest, and perhaps derive the most benefit, if you chose something that you don't really enjoy much in the first place. You know, that sitcom that you watch that isn't funny, or that fried food you eat that really isn't very tasty. Our lives are full of luxuries we don't actually enjoy, but that we consume only because we are used to consuming them. These are the easiest, and most important things to stop right away!
How is abstaining going to increase your mental strength? Remember, this is more than just an exercise in will-power. This is you making a small, but important, stand against the constant barrage of instructions your brain receives to consume. Choosing to drink Coke over Pepsi is not an act of individualism - it is obeying one marketing message instead of another. Choosing to drink neither is you proving to yourself that you retain the ability to make your own decisions.
Here are some dos and don'ts: Don't abstain to lose weight! Do abstain to prove to yourself that you chose what and when to eat. Don't abstain to make a statement to the world about the excesses of capitalism, consumerism, materialism, etc. You can have those beliefs, but that's not what this is about. This is about making a statement to yourself for yourself. And while I'm on the subject, DON'T TELL ANYONE!! Once you tell someone else, whether you mean to or not, you involve them. You look for their approval, or feel their disapproval. You want them to support you or feel disappointed when they don't. Going down this road will dilute all of the benefit you could receive. Don't think of this as being secretive. This is just a private matter for you alone.
Here's what you will gain: a quiet satisfaction that in at least one small part of your life you are in total control. If developed further, you will find yourself in a much stronger position the next time life throws you one of its inevitable curve balls. Eventually you should be able to enter a dialogue with yourself (okay, technically this is a monologue, but you know what I mean) where you are actively choosing which influences, from which sources, you want to allow into your thoughts. Does that sound like a strange idea? It is not. It's just you being yourself, instead of what other people want you to be.
So go on! Try it! Give something up. In five minutes you can probably write a list of five things in your life you do out of habit, or because everyone else does, that you really don't enjoy that much. Chose one, and even if you only give it up for a day, you will feel more alive than you will have from a lifetime of needless consumption. What have you got to lose?
Gus Moonfoot
Posted from Gus Moonfoot's blog
Friday, April 30, 2010
Women and Self Esteem
Women and Self Esteem
By Maggie Vlazny, MSW, LCSW
What do you like about yourself? Are you proud of yourself? If these questions make you feel uncomfortable, or you cannot answer them, chances are that you have a problem with self esteem. Why is that? Why do so many of us basically dislike ourselves? Why are we embarrassed to "esteem" ourselves?
Before answering this question, we must first define self-esteem. Self esteem comes from the inside out. It means that a woman is not dependent upon anyone else to make her feel good about herself, because she already knows she's fine just the way she is. She is confident and aware of her strengths and abilities. She wants to share them with others.
This does not mean she is conceited. She is also aware of areas needing work and growth. But that's OK, because she knows she's not perfect, and she doesn't have to be. No one is. She understands that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Self-esteem is a core identity issue, essential to personal validation and our ability to experience joy. Once achieved, it comes from the inside out. But it is assaulted or stunted from the outside in. A woman with low self-esteem does not feel good about herself because she has absorbed negative messages about women from the culture and/or relationships.
The reign of youth, beauty and thinness in our society dooms every woman to eventual failure. Womens magazines, starting with the teenage market, program them to focus all their efforts on their appearance. Many girls learn, by age 12, to drop formerly enjoyable activities in favor of the beauty treadmill leading to nowhere. They become fanatical about diets. They munch, like rabbits, on leaves without salad dressing, jog in ice storms, and swear they love it! Ads abound for cosmetic surgery, enticing us to "repair" our aging bodies, as if the natural process of aging were an accident or a disease. Yet with all this effort, they still never feel like they are good enough.
How can they? Magazine models are airbrushed to perfection, and anorexic. "Beautiful" movie stars are whipped into perfect shape by personal trainers, and use surgery to create an unnatural cultural ideal. But youth cannot last. It is not meant to. If women buy into this image of beauty, then the best an older woman can strive for is looking "good for her age" or worse yet, "well preserved". Mummies are well preserved. Mummies are also dead.
Abusive experiences join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem. Abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless. Many, many women have told me that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman put it, "his words scarred my soul". Women whose abuse started as children have the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.
Poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with this problem don't go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don't think they're worth the time.
Relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don't deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve. Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter.The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.
In the workplace, women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up. Finally, with friends, they are unable to say no. They end up doing favors they don't want to do, or have any time for. They end up going where they don't want to go, with people they don't want to go with! A woman with low self-esteem has no control over her life. But that can change. These women can get help and emotional healing.
It is critical to remember that no one deserves to be abused. If something bad has happened to you, it does not mean there is something wrong with you. The responsibility for the abuse lies with the person who chooses to hurt you. If you are presently being abused, you must put yours and your children safety first. If you think you are in danger, you can call your state domestic violence hotline number. NJ STATEWIDE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 1-800-572-7233.
You can choose your own identity. You can discard the popular cultural image and replace it with something real. As I read someplace once, "We are bound by our fate only as long as we accept the values that determine it."
Nobody is perfect, but everyone is worthwhile. Believe in yourself.
By Maggie Vlazny, MSW, LCSW
What do you like about yourself? Are you proud of yourself? If these questions make you feel uncomfortable, or you cannot answer them, chances are that you have a problem with self esteem. Why is that? Why do so many of us basically dislike ourselves? Why are we embarrassed to "esteem" ourselves?
Before answering this question, we must first define self-esteem. Self esteem comes from the inside out. It means that a woman is not dependent upon anyone else to make her feel good about herself, because she already knows she's fine just the way she is. She is confident and aware of her strengths and abilities. She wants to share them with others.
This does not mean she is conceited. She is also aware of areas needing work and growth. But that's OK, because she knows she's not perfect, and she doesn't have to be. No one is. She understands that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Self-esteem is a core identity issue, essential to personal validation and our ability to experience joy. Once achieved, it comes from the inside out. But it is assaulted or stunted from the outside in. A woman with low self-esteem does not feel good about herself because she has absorbed negative messages about women from the culture and/or relationships.
The reign of youth, beauty and thinness in our society dooms every woman to eventual failure. Womens magazines, starting with the teenage market, program them to focus all their efforts on their appearance. Many girls learn, by age 12, to drop formerly enjoyable activities in favor of the beauty treadmill leading to nowhere. They become fanatical about diets. They munch, like rabbits, on leaves without salad dressing, jog in ice storms, and swear they love it! Ads abound for cosmetic surgery, enticing us to "repair" our aging bodies, as if the natural process of aging were an accident or a disease. Yet with all this effort, they still never feel like they are good enough.
How can they? Magazine models are airbrushed to perfection, and anorexic. "Beautiful" movie stars are whipped into perfect shape by personal trainers, and use surgery to create an unnatural cultural ideal. But youth cannot last. It is not meant to. If women buy into this image of beauty, then the best an older woman can strive for is looking "good for her age" or worse yet, "well preserved". Mummies are well preserved. Mummies are also dead.
Abusive experiences join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem. Abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless. Many, many women have told me that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman put it, "his words scarred my soul". Women whose abuse started as children have the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.
Poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with this problem don't go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don't think they're worth the time.
Relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don't deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve. Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter.The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.
In the workplace, women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up. Finally, with friends, they are unable to say no. They end up doing favors they don't want to do, or have any time for. They end up going where they don't want to go, with people they don't want to go with! A woman with low self-esteem has no control over her life. But that can change. These women can get help and emotional healing.
It is critical to remember that no one deserves to be abused. If something bad has happened to you, it does not mean there is something wrong with you. The responsibility for the abuse lies with the person who chooses to hurt you. If you are presently being abused, you must put yours and your children safety first. If you think you are in danger, you can call your state domestic violence hotline number. NJ STATEWIDE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 1-800-572-7233.
You can choose your own identity. You can discard the popular cultural image and replace it with something real. As I read someplace once, "We are bound by our fate only as long as we accept the values that determine it."
Nobody is perfect, but everyone is worthwhile. Believe in yourself.
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