Women and Self Esteem

Women and Self Esteem
By Maggie Vlazny, MSW, LCSW

What do you like about yourself? Are you proud of yourself? If these questions make you feel uncomfortable, or you cannot answer them, chances are that you have a problem with self esteem. Why is that? Why do so many of us basically dislike ourselves? Why are we embarrassed to "esteem" ourselves?

Before answering this question, we must first define self-esteem. Self esteem comes from the inside out. It means that a woman is not dependent upon anyone else to make her feel good about herself, because she already knows she's fine just the way she is. She is confident and aware of her strengths and abilities. She wants to share them with others.

This does not mean she is conceited. She is also aware of areas needing work and growth. But that's OK, because she knows she's not perfect, and she doesn't have to be. No one is. She understands that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Self-esteem is a core identity issue, essential to personal validation and our ability to experience joy. Once achieved, it comes from the inside out. But it is assaulted or stunted from the outside in. A woman with low self-esteem does not feel good about herself because she has absorbed negative messages about women from the culture and/or relationships.

The reign of youth, beauty and thinness in our society dooms every woman to eventual failure. Womens magazines, starting with the teenage market, program them to focus all their efforts on their appearance. Many girls learn, by age 12, to drop formerly enjoyable activities in favor of the beauty treadmill leading to nowhere. They become fanatical about diets. They munch, like rabbits, on leaves without salad dressing, jog in ice storms, and swear they love it! Ads abound for cosmetic surgery, enticing us to "repair" our aging bodies, as if the natural process of aging were an accident or a disease. Yet with all this effort, they still never feel like they are good enough.

How can they? Magazine models are airbrushed to perfection, and anorexic. "Beautiful" movie stars are whipped into perfect shape by personal trainers, and use surgery to create an unnatural cultural ideal. But youth cannot last. It is not meant to. If women buy into this image of beauty, then the best an older woman can strive for is looking "good for her age" or worse yet, "well preserved". Mummies are well preserved. Mummies are also dead.

Abusive experiences join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem. Abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless. Many, many women have told me that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman put it, "his words scarred my soul". Women whose abuse started as children have the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.

Poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with this problem don't go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don't think they're worth the time.

Relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don't deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve. Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter.The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.

In the workplace, women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up. Finally, with friends, they are unable to say no. They end up doing favors they don't want to do, or have any time for. They end up going where they don't want to go, with people they don't want to go with! A woman with low self-esteem has no control over her life. But that can change. These women can get help and emotional healing.

It is critical to remember that no one deserves to be abused. If something bad has happened to you, it does not mean there is something wrong with you. The responsibility for the abuse lies with the person who chooses to hurt you. If you are presently being abused, you must put yours and your children safety first. If you think you are in danger, you can call your state domestic violence hotline number. NJ STATEWIDE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 1-800-572-7233.

You can choose your own identity. You can discard the popular cultural image and replace it with something real. As I read someplace once, "We are bound by our fate only as long as we accept the values that determine it."

Nobody is perfect, but everyone is worthwhile. Believe in yourself.

Acknowledge and Appreciate Yourself TODAY by Jack Canfield

Acknowledge and Appreciate Yourself TODAY
by Jack Canfield


With the year coming to a close, it's time to acknowledge and
appreciate yourself for everything you've accomplished today,
throughout the year, and in life. How many times have you
succeeded in the past month? Are you able to recall your successes
as well as your failures and missteps?

Many people under-appreciate the little things they accomplish
every day. And yet they can recall in detail all the times they
have failed or made mistakes. That's because the brain remembers
events more easily when they're accompanied by strong emotions.

You might recall graduation, losing 10 pounds, winning an award, or
landing a highly sought after position.

But do you include in your successes how you had a really great
talk with your spouse, how you spent quality time with your teen,
how you got all your list of things done for the day, how you
learned to change your own oil, or got your fussy child to take a
nap?

If you don't acknowledge your successes the same way you
acknowledge your mistakes, you're sure to have a memory full of
blunders.

Toot your own horn and don't wait for anyone else to praise you!

If you only remember the mistakes and failures, you won't be as
ready to take risks that will lead to your successes. Build your
self-esteem by recalling ALL the ways you have succeeded and your
brain will be filled with images of you making your achievements
happen again and again.

The more you acknowledge your past successes, the more confident
you become in taking on and successfully accomplishing new ones.

Take time to write your achievements down.

To really convince yourself that you're a successful person who can
continue to achieve great things, I'd like to challenge you to list
100 or more of your life successes.

Start when you were very young and think of all your achievements
since then. Don't just pick the big things, write down all the
things you take for granted. Thinks like, learning to ride a bike,
singing solo at church, getting your first job, or leading a
fund-raising campaign.

You should also begin to create a Victory Log of your daily
successes and review it anytime you are faced with a new challenge.
By writing it down everyday, you're securing it in your long-term
memory, which enhances your self-esteem and builds your confidence.

Surround yourself with reminders of your success.

We know from research that what you see in your environment has a
psychological impact on your moods, your attitudes, and your
behavior. Your environment has a great deal of influence over you.
And here's an even more important fact: You have almost total
control over your immediate environment.

Put up pictures, articles, trophies, awards and other symbols of
your past achievements that remind you about your past successes.
Make a special place - a special shelf, wall or section of your
home or office that you pass by every day and fill it with your
success symbols.

This will have a powerful effect on your subconscious mind and will
subtly remind you that you are someone who has consistent success
in life!

This is also a great thing to do for your children. Proudly display
their success symbols as well.

People like to be around those who have a healthy self-esteem and
who are achieving their goals. Commit to acknowledging your
achievements and your brain will begin to tell you the truth...
that you can do ANYTHING!

Taking just 30 minutes to complete this activity will become your
positive springboard into 2010 for even more successes.

© 2009 Jack Canfield

An Excerpt from
Charging the Human Battery
by Mac Anderson

"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings."
-Eric Hoffer

According to legend, a young man while roaming the dessert came across a spring of delicious crystal-clear water. The water was so sweet he filled his leather canteen so he could bring some back to a tribal elder who had been his teacher. After a four-day journey he presented the water to the old man who took a deep drink, smiled warmly and thanked his student lavishly for the sweet water. The young man returned to his village with a happy heart.

Later, the teacher let another student taste the water. He spat it out, saying it was awful. It apparently had become stale because of the old leather container. The student challenged his teacher: "Master, the water was foul. Why did you pretend to like it?"

The teacher replied, "You only tasted the water. I tasted the gift. The water was simply the container for an act of living-kindness and nothing could be sweeter."

Self-motivation without gratitude is impossible. Our energy is "sapped" when our entire focus is on what's wrong instead of what is right with our lives. One of our greatest challenges is to live and love in spite of pain and disappointment...to find gratitude in the midst of it all.

Reflect for a moment on this beautiful quote from Melody Beattie:

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."