Quotes for the Week:
"Live not as though there were a thousand years ahead of you. Fate is at your elbow; make yourself good while life and power are still yours."
Marcus Aurelius
“Destiny is, I think, nothing but a series of psychic knots that we tie with our fear...at some moment you must stop life and look into it. And as you go on dipping and rising in your inner Ganges, you undo the knots.”
Raja Rao The Serpent and the Rope
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The Big Twelve of Life that Fate Brings You
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2010
A quote stopped me in my tracks this week causing me to pause and reflect. Gregory David Roberts, author of the novel Shantaram, said,
“Fate gives all of us three teachers, three friends, three enemies, and three great loves in our lives. But these twelve are always disguised and we can never know which one is which until we’ve loved them, left them or fought them.”
Shantaram is the author’s first book, an autobiographical novel about an Australian who escapes from prison and goes to Bombay, India where he becomes involved in the Indian Mafia of organized crime. Roberts is a philosopher and poet who writes from his heart while describing one of the most descriptively brutal and most loving books I’ve read. As a fugitive, the hero founds a free medical clinic in the cardboard shack slums of Bombay where he lives and falls in love with a mysterious woman. He’s always ready for a fight to the death and becomes involved in severe beatings, drugs, money laundering and passport smuggling of the black market. The beautiful generosity and loving connections of the Indian people living in poverty who open their hearts to friends and family are described along with the intense sights, smells and beauty of Mother India and its mix of many nationalities of people. It is a brutal, bloody book not for the faint of heart nor for the depressed, which tells of betrayal, damages of war and then the poetry of redemption, of love and forgiveness.
So back to the Robert’s quote, which is a doozy. Ponder on it and the twelve things that destiny, fate or your choices have brought to you in your life. Who are your three great teachers? Who are your three best friends? And your three enemies and three great loves? Stop and write these down before you read the rest of this.
Three great teachers:
Three good friends:
Three enemies:
Three great loves:
I would add the three greatest experiences that changed the way you think about and how you conduct your life.
And add a mistake or two that changed the course of your direction and what you learned.
Don’t be concerned if you can’t come up with the required number of three or if you have more than three for each category. The number isn’t important. Thinking about those who have had the biggest input to your psychological and spiritual development is the task here.
As I’ve had a quite complicated life, I had to divide my loves into three Heartbreaker loves and three Holy loves. The Heartbreakers were those people with whom I expended much mental and physical energy who gave me much pain along with the necessary life lessons I needed to learn to clear crucial karma. The three Holy loves are those people who are constant and true who gave me validation of me as a person and also joy.
When I asked the inner question of my Higher Self regarding my enemies, I was surprised by the answers of Self-Doubt, Neediness and Fear. Like the old comic strip character Pogo said, “We have met the enemy and he is us.” My enemies have been internal not external and in the end, only shortcomings to be addressed.
And while you are at it, stop and reflect on those people with whom you have had positive input into their life. Who have you impacted so that their life was changed for the better? Have you give back as much as has been given to you? Can’t think of anyone? There is still time for you to reach out and make someone else’s world a better place. Play it forward.
Now back to you. Your fate is there waiting in the wings brought on mostly by your thoughts, unresolved psychological issues and the choices you make. Why unresolved issues? The great Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung said, “The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made consciousness, it happens outside, as fate. That is to say, when the individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner contradictions, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn in opposite haves.” What you don’t work out hits you smack dab in the face when you least expect it.
Ah yes, the opportunity to grow waits there and what is not worked out comes around again and again until you get it. Really get it. The evolutionary impulse towards growth is there pointing you towards integration. We call it the soul’s journey home.
Here’s another Roberts quote from the book:
“The cloak of the past is cut from patches of feeling, and rebus threads. Most of the time, the best we can do is wrap it around ourselves for comfort or drag it behind us as we struggle to go on. But everything has its cause and its meaning. Every life, every love, every action and feeling and thought has its reason and significance: its beginning, and the part it plays in the end. Sometimes, we do see. We see the past so clearly, and read the legend of its parts with such acuity, that every stitch of time reveals its purpose, and a kind of message is enfolded in it. Nothing in any life, no matter how well or poorly lived is wiser than failure or clearer than sorrow. And in the tiny, precious wisdom that they give to us, even those dread and hatred enemies, suffering and failure, have their reason and their right to be.”
Look to your failures and forgive yourself. Challenge your fears and dismiss the irrational ones. Most of them are illusions anyway. Learn from your mistakes. Thank those people, living or dead, who shaped and developed your psyche and hopeful outlook on the world. As you feel gratitude for those good influences given generously to you, reach out and engage in life and those current people around you. Celebrate those who truly love you and love them deeply in return. Go forward in your adventure toward your highest destiny.
Roberts ends his story with these words:
“…every human will has the power to transform its fate. I’d always thought that fate was unchangeable: fixed for every one of us at birth, and as constant as the circuit of the stars. But I suddenly realized that life is stranger and more beautiful than that. The truth is that, no matter what kind of game you find yourself in, no matter how good or bad the luck, you can change your life completely with a single thought or a single act of love….With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on.”
Peace and joy,
Lynne
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Giving up the Miserable Practice of Needing to be Perfect and Expecting Others to Be
Giving up the Miserable Practice of Needing
to be Perfect and Expecting Others to Be
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2010
Expecting yourself or others to be perfect is an unfortunate way of thinking that is absolutely crazy making! Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations of themselves or others. Putting these unrealistic expectations on others creates frustration, anger and sometimes depression if you turn them back on yourself.
Perfectionistic thinking often manifests as judgments and “shoulds.” When you hear yourself making a "should judgment," you can tell yourself, “That’s only my ego nagging me with a should!” Modify your unyielding, unrealistic expectations for others—those absolutist shoulds, absolutes, have tos, ought tos and musts and make them preferences and wishes instead. These ways of viewing the world definitely breaks into your peace of mind and happiness.
Often perfectionistic thinking is passed down as a family generational theme. Shame of not measuring up to the unrealistic standards of the parents is passed from generation to generation. Critical parental behavior produces shame-prone children who then criticize themselves and others. When a child’s essential needs for stability, attention, affection, approval and validation were shamed, any time later in life when a valid need comes up, he might drop back into these old feelings.
The child who lives with constant criticism learns to hide his vulnerable feelings and his failures when the parents have high expectations of behavior. He or she feels rejected if the parent humiliates and punishes him for crying. The child learns to reject all aspects of himself including the wonderful ones. The rejected child believes that he must be really bad or his parents would accept and love him. He can stop trying to succeed as he might fail and he can’t bear the uncomfortable feelings that accompany failure. To protect his already fragile self-esteem, he procrastinates or gives up before he starts.
Failure is a necessary part of learning. Learning to cope with failure is a positive social skill that is necessary for success! How we cope with being thwarted on a goal defines whether we become a loser or a learner. The moment of failure presents a Y in the road: in one direction blaming either self or others or the other, problem solving. Once when I goofed up in a big way my boss said, “Lynne, what do we do about this?” Failure presents the opportunity for learning, for change and increased self-esteem.
Perfectionistic thoughts are obsessive lies of the ego that do you in. They can be stopped dead in their tracks through self-talk and The Emotional Freedom Technique. Reprogram your mind to KNOW that errors are for learning! Stop and ponder these quotes from wise minds that reflect on the value of learning through failure and giving up old, perfectionistic beliefs:
“Failure is not the worst thing in the world; the very worst is not to try.”
Anonymous
“One of the reasons people stop learning is that they become less and less willing to risk failure.”
John W. Gardner
“Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.”
Edward Eggleston
“The way to succeed is to double your error rate.”
Thomas J. Watson
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
Truman Capote
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.”
Denis Waitley
“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.”
Robert Schuller
“Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”
Henry Van Dyke
“I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”
Anne Lamott
“A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect.”
Chinese Proverb
“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”
Gandhi
“I am perfectly imperfect and I allow this perfect imperfection in myself. I do strive for a standard of excellence in my work. That is perfectly right for me.”
Lynne Namka
“We are completely perfect, but we need a minor adjustment.”
Suzuki Roshi
“Your life will have a kind of perfection, although you will not be a saint. The perfection will consist in this: You will be very weak and you will make many mistakes; you will be awkward, for you will be poor in spirit and hunger and thirst for justice. You will not be perfect, but you will love. This is the gate and the way. There is nothing greater than love. There is nothing more true that love; nothing more real. So let us hand our lives over to love and seal the bond of love.”
Eberhard Arnold
Peace and joy,
Lynne
“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person. “
David M. Burns
[Lynne's website:] http://www.AngriesOut.com
to be Perfect and Expecting Others to Be
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2010
Expecting yourself or others to be perfect is an unfortunate way of thinking that is absolutely crazy making! Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations of themselves or others. Putting these unrealistic expectations on others creates frustration, anger and sometimes depression if you turn them back on yourself.
Perfectionistic thinking often manifests as judgments and “shoulds.” When you hear yourself making a "should judgment," you can tell yourself, “That’s only my ego nagging me with a should!” Modify your unyielding, unrealistic expectations for others—those absolutist shoulds, absolutes, have tos, ought tos and musts and make them preferences and wishes instead. These ways of viewing the world definitely breaks into your peace of mind and happiness.
Often perfectionistic thinking is passed down as a family generational theme. Shame of not measuring up to the unrealistic standards of the parents is passed from generation to generation. Critical parental behavior produces shame-prone children who then criticize themselves and others. When a child’s essential needs for stability, attention, affection, approval and validation were shamed, any time later in life when a valid need comes up, he might drop back into these old feelings.
The child who lives with constant criticism learns to hide his vulnerable feelings and his failures when the parents have high expectations of behavior. He or she feels rejected if the parent humiliates and punishes him for crying. The child learns to reject all aspects of himself including the wonderful ones. The rejected child believes that he must be really bad or his parents would accept and love him. He can stop trying to succeed as he might fail and he can’t bear the uncomfortable feelings that accompany failure. To protect his already fragile self-esteem, he procrastinates or gives up before he starts.
Failure is a necessary part of learning. Learning to cope with failure is a positive social skill that is necessary for success! How we cope with being thwarted on a goal defines whether we become a loser or a learner. The moment of failure presents a Y in the road: in one direction blaming either self or others or the other, problem solving. Once when I goofed up in a big way my boss said, “Lynne, what do we do about this?” Failure presents the opportunity for learning, for change and increased self-esteem.
Perfectionistic thoughts are obsessive lies of the ego that do you in. They can be stopped dead in their tracks through self-talk and The Emotional Freedom Technique. Reprogram your mind to KNOW that errors are for learning! Stop and ponder these quotes from wise minds that reflect on the value of learning through failure and giving up old, perfectionistic beliefs:
“Failure is not the worst thing in the world; the very worst is not to try.”
Anonymous
“One of the reasons people stop learning is that they become less and less willing to risk failure.”
John W. Gardner
“Persistent people begin their success where others end in failure.”
Edward Eggleston
“The way to succeed is to double your error rate.”
Thomas J. Watson
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
Truman Capote
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.”
Denis Waitley
“Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.”
Robert Schuller
“Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”
Henry Van Dyke
“I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”
Anne Lamott
“A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect.”
Chinese Proverb
“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”
Gandhi
“I am perfectly imperfect and I allow this perfect imperfection in myself. I do strive for a standard of excellence in my work. That is perfectly right for me.”
Lynne Namka
“We are completely perfect, but we need a minor adjustment.”
Suzuki Roshi
“Your life will have a kind of perfection, although you will not be a saint. The perfection will consist in this: You will be very weak and you will make many mistakes; you will be awkward, for you will be poor in spirit and hunger and thirst for justice. You will not be perfect, but you will love. This is the gate and the way. There is nothing greater than love. There is nothing more true that love; nothing more real. So let us hand our lives over to love and seal the bond of love.”
Eberhard Arnold
Peace and joy,
Lynne
“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person. “
David M. Burns
[Lynne's website:] http://www.AngriesOut.com
The 100/0 Principle
An Excerpt from
The 100/0 Principle
by Al Ritter
What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.
STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.
STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.
STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.
STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.
At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.
Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
Principle Paradox
This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.
The 100/0 Principle
by Al Ritter
What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.
STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.
STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.
STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.
STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.
At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.
Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
Principle Paradox
This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.
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