How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship
Several years ago Pat Love Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin Ph.D., two Imago trainers and therapists, published a book titled How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship. Below is part of their list of some behaviors they identify which can, indeed, ruin a relationship:
• Control everything and everyone
• Never take the blame yourself; instead, make your partner wrong
• Make it a habit to spend more money than you have
• Win every fight, even the ones you couldn’t care less about
• Keep score
• Use threat often
• Find your partner’s weak spot and use it against him/her
• When your partner tries to please you, find fault with their efforts
• Hold fast to the belief: “If you loved me you would know what I want”
• Demand your partner remain faithful but refuse to meet his or her sexual needs
• Use silence as a weapon
• Pretend that you don’t hear
• When your partner tries to apologize, bring up more complaints
• Refuse to give information
• When you realize you haven’t given your partner some important info, insist that you did
• Claim to be the only one interested in the relationship
• Never ask for help
• Confide only in friends
• Take it personally when your partner wants time alone
• Discount your partner’s physical complaints
• Give advice where it isn’t welcome
• Never pick up after yourself
• Refuse to seek help for your depression
• Refuse to talk
• Focus on changing your partner
• Focus all your needs on sex
• Take all problems as further proof that the relationship will not work
• Put your friends before your partner
• Keep romantic gestures to a minimum
• Focus on your partner’s faults and deny your own
• Let days go by without a kind word or loving gesture
• Practice verbal abuse
• Do not listen to your partner’s ideas or suggestions
• Ask your partner to share feelings and when s/he does, EXPLODE
• Start conversations when your partner is busy, or better yet, exhausted
• Let disagreements fester
• Say what you think your partner wants to hear, then do as you please
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Two Sides of a Prison Wall
A young Japanese man named Shui was riding on a crowded train when a belligerent drunk made his way through the train car and began to rough up passengers. Shui had studied martial arts for many years, yet never before had he been forced into a public confrontation. Shui felt his blood begin to boil, and realized the ruffian needed to be stopped before he hurt someone badly.
Shui stood up, blocked the fellow’s path, and the two exchanged angry words. As the men were about to square off, Shui felt a hand on his arm. He looked down and saw a frail old man. “Let me handle this,” the elder insisted.
Shui watched in amazement as the old man invited the heavy to have a seat next to him. Strangely, he acquiesced. The elder began to engage the fellow, asking him questions about his life and looking him in the eye with kindness and compassion. After a while the thug confessed that his wife had just died and he was in great pain; he had gone out and gotten drunk to numb his agony. The old man placed a comforting hand on the fellow’s shoulder, and he began to weep. Before Shui’s eyes the intruder was transformed from a villain into an innocent child.
When the train arrived at the next station, the tough guy thanked the old man and exited the car. Shui, stunned, sat down next to the old man and asked him, “Why did you stop me?”
“You were about to meet that man’s violence with your own,” answered the old man. “In true martial arts, if you hurt your opponent in any way, you cannot call your act a victory.”
We have all encountered people whom we feel we must protect ourselves from. Yet there is a way to keep ourselves safe without hurting others. It is the strongest way to protect our peace. Although we have been taught that we must wield pain as a weapon to keep others at a distance, it is not so. We gain all together or not at all. To wish ill upon anyone is to hurt ourself.
I used to visit a prisoner named Ron. Years earlier, in college, Ron had a girlfriend named Jen. One night the couple had an argument, and in a fit of rage, Ron beat her up. Tragically, she died. Ron was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to many years in prison.
I met Ron when he was up for parole after nine years of incarceration. In contrast to his violent act, I found him to be a gentle soul. He was contrite about his crime and he had used his time in prison to advance his spiritual growth. Ron studied A Course in Miracles, he was active in the prison church, he was liked by the other prisoners and staff, and he had worked his way up to a responsible position managing the prison laundry. When I visited Ron, I sensed no cruelty in him and he certainly did not seem like a dangerous criminal to me.
Ron told me that he had been denied parole repeatedly because Jen’s parents had mounted a citywide campaign to keep him in jail. Each year when Ron was eligible to be released, Jen’s parents took out newspaper ads, exerted their political influence, and orchestrated a concerted community effort to “keep this killer off the streets.” Yet, looking at this man, I did not see a killer at all. I saw a basically good man who had made a heartbreaking mistake.
“So how are you dealing with Jen’s parents?” I asked Ron.
“I send them love and prayer,” he answered. “I understand that they are very angry and they must be in great pain. If I could go back and undo my act, I surely would. More than anything, I wish I could bring Jen back. But I can’t. So I am just deepening my relationship with God right where I am and trying to be a blessing to the world.”
As I left my meeting with Ron that day, I wondered who was really in prison. Ron was locked up physically, but his soul was soaring. Meanwhile, Jen’s parents were quite wealthy and enjoyed unlimited physical freedom, yet they were consumed by anger and vengeance. It seemed to me that their wrathful thoughts were creating walls more formidable than those encasing Ron.
Because we are spiritual beings at our essence, what we do with our spirit influences us more profoundly than what we do with our body. Heaven and hell are not places we go or conditions the outer world imposes on us; they are experiences we create with our thoughts and beliefs. A Course in Miracles tells us, “I am affected only by my thoughts.” Where our mind goes, there we are. The desire to hurt brings us instant pain, while the desire to heal brings us instant freedom.
If you are angry with anyone, or involved in a conflict, keep reaching for a solution that leaves everyone whole. If you feel you need to hurt someone or take something away from them to make things even, you do violence mostly to yourself. Instead of seeing them as a villain, regard them as wounded or calling for love. No one does anything mean or foolish unless they are in great pain. To try to inflict more pain only exacerbates their sense of disconnection. As you connect with your own sense of peace, you invite them to claim theirs. Only then can you say you have won.
by Alan Cohen
www.alancohen.com
Shui stood up, blocked the fellow’s path, and the two exchanged angry words. As the men were about to square off, Shui felt a hand on his arm. He looked down and saw a frail old man. “Let me handle this,” the elder insisted.
Shui watched in amazement as the old man invited the heavy to have a seat next to him. Strangely, he acquiesced. The elder began to engage the fellow, asking him questions about his life and looking him in the eye with kindness and compassion. After a while the thug confessed that his wife had just died and he was in great pain; he had gone out and gotten drunk to numb his agony. The old man placed a comforting hand on the fellow’s shoulder, and he began to weep. Before Shui’s eyes the intruder was transformed from a villain into an innocent child.
When the train arrived at the next station, the tough guy thanked the old man and exited the car. Shui, stunned, sat down next to the old man and asked him, “Why did you stop me?”
“You were about to meet that man’s violence with your own,” answered the old man. “In true martial arts, if you hurt your opponent in any way, you cannot call your act a victory.”
We have all encountered people whom we feel we must protect ourselves from. Yet there is a way to keep ourselves safe without hurting others. It is the strongest way to protect our peace. Although we have been taught that we must wield pain as a weapon to keep others at a distance, it is not so. We gain all together or not at all. To wish ill upon anyone is to hurt ourself.
I used to visit a prisoner named Ron. Years earlier, in college, Ron had a girlfriend named Jen. One night the couple had an argument, and in a fit of rage, Ron beat her up. Tragically, she died. Ron was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to many years in prison.
I met Ron when he was up for parole after nine years of incarceration. In contrast to his violent act, I found him to be a gentle soul. He was contrite about his crime and he had used his time in prison to advance his spiritual growth. Ron studied A Course in Miracles, he was active in the prison church, he was liked by the other prisoners and staff, and he had worked his way up to a responsible position managing the prison laundry. When I visited Ron, I sensed no cruelty in him and he certainly did not seem like a dangerous criminal to me.
Ron told me that he had been denied parole repeatedly because Jen’s parents had mounted a citywide campaign to keep him in jail. Each year when Ron was eligible to be released, Jen’s parents took out newspaper ads, exerted their political influence, and orchestrated a concerted community effort to “keep this killer off the streets.” Yet, looking at this man, I did not see a killer at all. I saw a basically good man who had made a heartbreaking mistake.
“So how are you dealing with Jen’s parents?” I asked Ron.
“I send them love and prayer,” he answered. “I understand that they are very angry and they must be in great pain. If I could go back and undo my act, I surely would. More than anything, I wish I could bring Jen back. But I can’t. So I am just deepening my relationship with God right where I am and trying to be a blessing to the world.”
As I left my meeting with Ron that day, I wondered who was really in prison. Ron was locked up physically, but his soul was soaring. Meanwhile, Jen’s parents were quite wealthy and enjoyed unlimited physical freedom, yet they were consumed by anger and vengeance. It seemed to me that their wrathful thoughts were creating walls more formidable than those encasing Ron.
Because we are spiritual beings at our essence, what we do with our spirit influences us more profoundly than what we do with our body. Heaven and hell are not places we go or conditions the outer world imposes on us; they are experiences we create with our thoughts and beliefs. A Course in Miracles tells us, “I am affected only by my thoughts.” Where our mind goes, there we are. The desire to hurt brings us instant pain, while the desire to heal brings us instant freedom.
If you are angry with anyone, or involved in a conflict, keep reaching for a solution that leaves everyone whole. If you feel you need to hurt someone or take something away from them to make things even, you do violence mostly to yourself. Instead of seeing them as a villain, regard them as wounded or calling for love. No one does anything mean or foolish unless they are in great pain. To try to inflict more pain only exacerbates their sense of disconnection. As you connect with your own sense of peace, you invite them to claim theirs. Only then can you say you have won.
by Alan Cohen
www.alancohen.com
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Play the Mistake by Alan Cohen
Play the Mistake
by Alan Cohen
www.alancohen.com
Just before Christmas last year, Rob Anderson went into a convenience store to purchase three $1 Powerball lottery tickets as stocking stuffers. The clerk misunderstood Anderson’s request and erroneously printed one $3 ticket. When Anderson called the mistake to the clerk’s attention, the clerk offered to nullify the ticket. Anderson decided to just go with the current of events, he accepted the ticket, and purchased the three stocking stuffers in addition. Rob went home and tossed the mistaken ticket on his nightstand.
The day after Christmas the winning numbers were announced and Anderson figured he would check the mistaken ticket just in case. That was when he realized the mistake was no mistake. He had just won $128 million, the largest Powerball jackpot ever paid in the Kentucky lottery.
Sometimes what seems to be going wrong is really going right. From a human perspective it may appear that things are working against you, when they are really working for you. That’s why it’s important to be vigilant for what errors might lead to.
When my friend Stephanie visits her parents every year at Thanksgiving, one of the highlights of the family’s traditional meal is “Mistake Salad.” “Many years ago mom was preparing a salad using a cookbook,” Stephanie explained to me. “When mom finished, she realized that she had accidentally merged the recipes for two different salads ― one portion of the ingredients for a salad described on the left open page of the cookbook, and another portion from a different salad described on the right open page. The salad turned out better than any other salad we had had, so now she replicates it every year as the famous ‘Mistake Salad.’”
Speaking of salads, have you ever heard how the famous Caesar Salad began? Cesar Cardini was the working in a small restaurant near a tiny airport near Tijuana, Mexico. One night during a rush of customers, the kitchen ran out of salad ingredients. When the next salad order came in, Cardini threw together whatever scant ingredients he had on hand. Behold the birth of one of the world’s most popular salads! (Originally it was called “The Aviator.”)
Robert Louis Stevenson noted, “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” Yet what is a poor hand, but a good hand in the making? What is a minus, but half of a plus waiting for a stroke of vertical awareness? And what is an error, but something to parlay to create something far more valuable than what would have come had the error not occurred? As Ralph Waldo Emerson noted, “A weed is a plant whose virtues have not been discovered.”
All of life is interpretation. It is not the events that occur that make or break a life, but your interpretation of them. You can make anything out of anything, so why not make it what you would choose?
Years ago I was looking for a new location for my office. I found a site that was suitable but not great. In expedience I decided to rent it, and I asked the realtor to get me a contract. The realtor kept delaying and delaying, unto just a few days before I had to move. When I asked him about the contract he confessed that the owner did not want to rent to me because he had seen one of my books and he did not agree with my philosophy. I grew angry and complained about discrimination. Yet when I consulted my inner guidance, it advised me to simply let it be.
That day as I was driving home I decided to take an alternate scenic route. Along the way I noticed a storefront for rent. When I inquired, I found the owner to be a lovely woman who had been using the space for tai chi classes. We liked each other immediately and I rented the space. The facility was in a beautiful area, close to my home, with more space and far less rent than the space from which I had been turned away. Ultimately I blessed the original landlord for denying me. He was the vehicle by which I received something greater.
Life is trying to love you, and apparent mistakes may ultimately serve you. It is said that “disappointments are the hooks upon which God hangs his victories.” Nothing ever gets so bad that it cannot get good, and often the good that comes after the bad is greater than the good that came before it.
The next time you encounter a mistake, Rob Anderson would be a good guy to remember. As he deposits his annual checks for millions of dollars, he would probably suggest that we, too, do not resist errors, but let them work in our favor.
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