How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship
Several years ago Pat Love Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin Ph.D., two Imago trainers and therapists, published a book titled How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship. Below is part of their list of some behaviors they identify which can, indeed, ruin a relationship:
• Control everything and everyone
• Never take the blame yourself; instead, make your partner wrong
• Make it a habit to spend more money than you have
• Win every fight, even the ones you couldn’t care less about
• Keep score
• Use threat often
• Find your partner’s weak spot and use it against him/her
• When your partner tries to please you, find fault with their efforts
• Hold fast to the belief: “If you loved me you would know what I want”
• Demand your partner remain faithful but refuse to meet his or her sexual needs
• Use silence as a weapon
• Pretend that you don’t hear
• When your partner tries to apologize, bring up more complaints
• Refuse to give information
• When you realize you haven’t given your partner some important info, insist that you did
• Claim to be the only one interested in the relationship
• Never ask for help
• Confide only in friends
• Take it personally when your partner wants time alone
• Discount your partner’s physical complaints
• Give advice where it isn’t welcome
• Never pick up after yourself
• Refuse to seek help for your depression
• Refuse to talk
• Focus on changing your partner
• Focus all your needs on sex
• Take all problems as further proof that the relationship will not work
• Put your friends before your partner
• Keep romantic gestures to a minimum
• Focus on your partner’s faults and deny your own
• Let days go by without a kind word or loving gesture
• Practice verbal abuse
• Do not listen to your partner’s ideas or suggestions
• Ask your partner to share feelings and when s/he does, EXPLODE
• Start conversations when your partner is busy, or better yet, exhausted
• Let disagreements fester
• Say what you think your partner wants to hear, then do as you please
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Energy Vampires Be Gone by Pam Thomas
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt
...we are going to be slaying (not literally) energy vampires. Before we delve into ways to help protect you from getting it in the neck, let’s briefly explore some of the behaviors and characteristics of an energy vampire. Energy vampires are those folks that:
*
Always take more than they give
*
See the glass as half empty a good majority of the time
*
Like to share their woes and gain support, but are very rarely around or have time to listen to others
*
Often think, “What about me? What do I get?”
*
Talk a lot about themselves and rarely express interest in hearing/learning about others
*
Want others to pick up the pieces and clean up the messes they make
*
Rarely take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors
*
Have a victim mentality
*
Are very critical of all that you do
As you continue to travel through life you will come across people who are so centered deeply in self that they are always looking for support from others, always talking about who they are, what they’re doing, and who they are involved with, without much thought to the person they deem as a friend, lover, or colleague. Energy vampires will suck the life force out of you if you let them.
Do you know of anyone in your life that demonstrates any of the characteristics and behaviors described above? If so, let’s start protecting your energy stat!
TIPS AND EXERCISES FOR PROTECTING YOUR ENERGY FROM ENERGY VAMPIRES
1) Dealing with energy vampires requires first (and probably most important) an understanding that everyone is where they need to be at that given moment. You may not like what the person is doing or even who they are, but being able to accept them and accept where they are will help you to protect your own energy.
2) Draw boundaries and uphold them. There are three main components to drawing boundaries and all three should be present in order for a boundary to protect you from an energy vampire.
a. Establish the boundary and the consequences if the boundary is crossed. For example, one boundary might be not allowing another to be critical of you and what you do. The consequence is to stop the current conversation.
b. Educate the person you are setting the boundary with as to the boundary and the consequences. For example, “It truly makes me feel bad when you criticize me so I am asking you to please stop. If the criticism continues I am going to stop the conversation and speak with you at a later time.”
c. Be consistent in upholding the boundary set. No one will take a boundary seriously if the boundary is not upheld.
3) Speak your truth. Sometimes all it takes is telling someone how you feel in a constructive and loving way. You may find the person is not even aware of their energy-zapping behavior and once made aware will endeavor to change it.
4) Cut the ties that bind. Don't be afraid that if you cut loose an energy vampire that you will be deemed as selfish and uncaring. By removing or limiting contact with an energy vampire you are creating the space to attract people in your life who are willing to equally give and receive. Oh, and here is the fabulous part, by cutting the ties you are sending a strong message to the Universe and those around; that message is that you matter and that you want people in your life who support you just as much as you support them.
5) Inventory YOU. Is there an area of your life where you are being an energy vampire yourself? Just by recognizing where we may be sucking energy helps us to become more aware of when someone is doing the same.
I am here to tell you that it is OK (more than OK) to preserve energy for you...to receive. Healthy relationships whether they are romantic, friendship based, or business all need and deserve to have a healthy balance. My wish for you is to treat your energy as a precious commodity.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Peace, Love, and lots of Energy,
Pam
Pam Thomas, Author and Publisher
...we are going to be slaying (not literally) energy vampires. Before we delve into ways to help protect you from getting it in the neck, let’s briefly explore some of the behaviors and characteristics of an energy vampire. Energy vampires are those folks that:
*
Always take more than they give
*
See the glass as half empty a good majority of the time
*
Like to share their woes and gain support, but are very rarely around or have time to listen to others
*
Often think, “What about me? What do I get?”
*
Talk a lot about themselves and rarely express interest in hearing/learning about others
*
Want others to pick up the pieces and clean up the messes they make
*
Rarely take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors
*
Have a victim mentality
*
Are very critical of all that you do
As you continue to travel through life you will come across people who are so centered deeply in self that they are always looking for support from others, always talking about who they are, what they’re doing, and who they are involved with, without much thought to the person they deem as a friend, lover, or colleague. Energy vampires will suck the life force out of you if you let them.
Do you know of anyone in your life that demonstrates any of the characteristics and behaviors described above? If so, let’s start protecting your energy stat!
TIPS AND EXERCISES FOR PROTECTING YOUR ENERGY FROM ENERGY VAMPIRES
1) Dealing with energy vampires requires first (and probably most important) an understanding that everyone is where they need to be at that given moment. You may not like what the person is doing or even who they are, but being able to accept them and accept where they are will help you to protect your own energy.
2) Draw boundaries and uphold them. There are three main components to drawing boundaries and all three should be present in order for a boundary to protect you from an energy vampire.
a. Establish the boundary and the consequences if the boundary is crossed. For example, one boundary might be not allowing another to be critical of you and what you do. The consequence is to stop the current conversation.
b. Educate the person you are setting the boundary with as to the boundary and the consequences. For example, “It truly makes me feel bad when you criticize me so I am asking you to please stop. If the criticism continues I am going to stop the conversation and speak with you at a later time.”
c. Be consistent in upholding the boundary set. No one will take a boundary seriously if the boundary is not upheld.
3) Speak your truth. Sometimes all it takes is telling someone how you feel in a constructive and loving way. You may find the person is not even aware of their energy-zapping behavior and once made aware will endeavor to change it.
4) Cut the ties that bind. Don't be afraid that if you cut loose an energy vampire that you will be deemed as selfish and uncaring. By removing or limiting contact with an energy vampire you are creating the space to attract people in your life who are willing to equally give and receive. Oh, and here is the fabulous part, by cutting the ties you are sending a strong message to the Universe and those around; that message is that you matter and that you want people in your life who support you just as much as you support them.
5) Inventory YOU. Is there an area of your life where you are being an energy vampire yourself? Just by recognizing where we may be sucking energy helps us to become more aware of when someone is doing the same.
I am here to tell you that it is OK (more than OK) to preserve energy for you...to receive. Healthy relationships whether they are romantic, friendship based, or business all need and deserve to have a healthy balance. My wish for you is to treat your energy as a precious commodity.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Peace, Love, and lots of Energy,
Pam
Pam Thomas, Author and Publisher
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