Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Three R’s: Rage, Revenge and Retaliation

The Three R’s: Rage, Revenge and Retaliation
© Lynne Namka, Ed. D.

The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are the extremes of anger.  They usually happen after a sense of being betrayed.  Betrayal is a complex emotional assault where the person feels overwhelmed, traumatized and out of control.  The sense of being betrayed happens when a person believed that he could trust another person or a situation and would be safe. Instead he or she got such a huge emotional hit that he or she becomes devastated and feels overwhelmed.  Trust is broken and the strong emotions come in and get stuck.  Feeling safe in the world is shaken and innocence is lost.

When there has been a sense of betrayal, the heart meridian takes the shock and many of the other meridians go out of balance.  Brain chemistry changes as the person goes into a sympathetic nervous system response getting ready to fight or run.  At times the person gets locked into this fight/flight energetic state.  Later in life, he or she may trigger when events are similar and the same strong emotions of being overwhelmed and traumatized come back automatically. 

Some people harbor grudges as a defense against being hurt again.  They may ruminate about the unhappy event by dwelling on the memory and reviewing it often.  Hatred and grudges are often challenging to break as they may protect the person from being vulnerable again.  They can be connected to satisfaction and the self-justification and pride of holding on to intense anger.  Sometimes grudges can be learned as a habit from a parent (My mother and her family always held grudges and I’m just like them.)   To keep on chewing on unhappy memories only leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.  We all have had experiences in life that hold the opportunity for us to become bitter or deal with the disappointment and move on.  So when you are disappointed about something, choose to talk about it and get past it rather than let a bitter attitude set in.

Revenge thoughts are grudges plus wanting to get even with the other person. Revengeful thoughts are basically selfish in nature with the belief of: “I have the right to hurt him because he injured me.” This is based on beliefs of “It's not fair.” Revenge is “I can enjoy thoughts of hurting another person in my mind to get back at him.” Revenge creates pseudo self-esteem of feeling good about one's self by relishing ideas of harming another person. Vengeful thoughts can actually trigger endorphins in the brain which associate hurting others with feeling good.

Grudges fan the fire of anger as a way of trying to feel safe by feeling powerful in fantasy. Grudge holding and revenge are way of putting up walls to guard the self against further hurt. Building a thick wall helps angry people ward of feelings of disappointment and rejection.  The belief is “If I don’t let others get too close, they can’t hurt me.”  One person described his wall building process.  “I learned to build such a thick wall around me that others can’t get in.  I’ve got titanium walls built around me.  Nobody gets past these walls.  It keeps me safe although I am lonely a lot.” 

One of the building blocks for a tight wall is holding onto revenge.  Revenge is challenging to break into because of the positive value of enjoyment and feelings of prerogative and privilege.  Revenge says that I have the right to hurt someone and feel good about it.  The best revenge is a successful life. Acting in ways that make you become successful while holding on to your integrity is the best revenge for any hurt that done to you. 

Taken to its max, a grudge can become revenge and aggression that is rationalized as good.  Revenge which is tied to extreme religious fanaticism or family loyalty can lead to “holy wars” and gang violence.  People who tie their self-esteem to feeling superior, pride and self-righteousness are typically caught in a big energetic imbalance to their entire system.  Many extremely angry people don’t have a way to release their dogmatic ways of thinking and acting.  Some do not want to as they believe that they are right.  The issue here is not about being right or wrong but in gaining peace of mind.

Continuing to dwell on bitterness because someone wronged you creates a huge stressor to your mind and body.  Stress upsets your brain chemistry and your serotonin level.  Environmental toxins, poor eating habits and alcohol and substance abuse can also lower serotonin levels in the brain.  You are ruled by your intense emotions not your logical mind.  Use the techniques presented in this book to help the prefrontal cortex get the upper hand over the amygdala and increase the blood flow to the thinking, rational parts of the brain.

The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are powerful emotions to be understood and harnessed.  Transformed they can bring a calmness to your life and an increase in self-esteem as you accomplish something extremely important.


The Complexity of Big Anger

We think of anger as one emotion, but actually it’s a catch-all reaction for many other jumbled-up feelings.  Intense anger is so complex and challenging to release because of the many other emotions that accompany it or hide underneath it.  This following technique factors out the different emotions that make up the total anger load which keep the hatred or grudge stuck. 

Hostility always breeds more hostility.  The more you hold, the more you look for and guess what?  What you look for you will surely find.  This Big Anger technique helps to break into hostile stuck energies and bring about a calming effect.  As you tap, notice any acu-point where there is tenderness or pain—this may be an area where energy is stuck.  Spend more time tapping on these to move the energy.  Yes, this exercise is long, but rage, grudges and hatred are very complex and you are the one being hurt now by the complexity of your unresolved feelings.


Tap to Release Big Anger, Grudges and Hatred Technique

Think of something where you feel an injustice has been done to you in the past and you continue to dwell on in.  Think about your belief that “Life isn’t fair.”  The belief that life should be fair is a destructive error in thinking that keeps people stuck.  See the event in your mind’s eye and allow any feeling to come up.

Rate the event on a scale of one to ten of distress with ten being the highest level of being upset.  Ask yourself, “Do I want to remain angry or do I want peace of mind?”  Set your intention for change to release disturbing thoughts and feelings and to forgive yourself for being upset and wanting to harm others.  

1.  Irritation and Overwhelmed:  Tap on the inside of your eyebrows at the bony ridge of the eye socket above the upper bridge of your nose. Think of feeling irritated by the wrong that was done to you and breathe into this area.  Tap briskly while feeling overwhelmed at what happened to you.  Forgive yourself for having these challenging emotions.  This is Bladder 1 acupressure point and an allergy point that is often becomes tender in people when they are irritated.

2.  Resentment:  Think of the resentment that you feel about the injustice.  Rub your temples on both sides of your head with a circular motion and then tap sharply.  Think of the energy that it takes to hold onto resentment and breathe it out.  The Gall Bladder Meridian runs around the temple area and around the ears represents the emotions of resentment and frustration.  You are tapping Gall Bladder point 14.

3.  Frustration:  Think of being frustrated and feeling out of control about the event.  Cup your fingers and tap around your ears.   Think of letting go frustration.  At this point in time, the only one being hurt by your holding onto frustration is yourself.  You are tapping the Gall Bladder Meridian and acupoints 8 through 12.

4.  Bitterness and Hatred:  Tap at the outside of your nostrils and breathe in deeply.  Think about your inflexibility, bitterness, regret, guilt and the inability to forgive.  Do not judge yourself because you have held this bitterness.  You have done the best you could with them until now.  You have not known how to release them and now you want something better for yourself.  You are tapping Large Intestine 19 associated with holding on to negative beliefs.

5.  Fear of Being Hurt Again:  Tap on your collarbones and take a sharp breath and hold it for a while before letting it out slowly.  Grudges serve the purpose to keep you from being hurt by the person again.  Forgive yourself for holding onto the grudge to protect yourself from being harmed again and resolve that you will avoid situations of harm.  You are tapping Kidney 27 which holds the emotion of fear.

6.  Feeling Stuck:  Tap on the fleshy part of the back of your hand near the bone between your thumb and index finger.  Focus on holding on, a grudge or rigid thinking.  Change hands and tap on the same area of the other hand.  You are tapping Large Intestine 4 which is called the Hegu point that helps release tough ego attachments and the fear of letting go of dogmatic thinking. 

7.  Anger:  Think of what you tell yourself to that continues to cause self-angering.  For example, “It’s not fair that he gets away with _____”   Go straight down your body from your nipples and tap firmly into your ribs and take a deep breath.  Think of anger and breathe into your ribs, Anger is an energy that wants to move.  Forgive yourself for having these feelings.  This point is Liver Meridian 14 which holds the emotion of anger.

8.  Betrayal and Injustice:  Think of a belief of how you were hurt.  Tap the sides of your body firmly at your waist on the lower ribs.  Breathe into the self-angering belief and forgive yourself for having strong feelings.  Remember that we are all capable of doing things that betray and hurt others.  Allow the feelings of injustice and the hurt feelings to slowly melt away. Forgive yourself for being a normal human being who has feelings of being wronged and the strong emotions that accompany them.  This point is Liver Meridian 13 which holds the emotion of anger. 

9.  Surprise and Shock:  Tap on the inside of your little finger at the inside of the nail.  Breathe deeply and forgive yourself for feeling surprised and shocked by what happened to you.  Repeat on your other little finger and forgive yourself for being so overwhelmed by what happened to you. Surprise, shock and forgiveness are some of the emotions indicated by the Heart Meridian. You tap Heart 9 at the inside of the little finger.

10.  Hurt and Sadness:  Tap on the inside of your index finger at the nail.  Think of how the event has affected you.  Breathe into any feelings of hurt and sadness that come up. You are tapping Lung Meridian which holds sadness, regret, and anguish.

11.  Injustice to Self with Self-Angering Beliefs:  Use your fist to hit your heart firmly while breathing deeply.  This is the Thymus Thump procedure which puts a strong vibration into the thymus gland and the heart.  Think of your pride of holding onto anger and hatred and ask for forgiveness.  Forgive yourself for feeling good about thoughts of revenge and feeling satisfied about hurting the other person as you were hurt.  Focus on how holding on to anger hurts you now more than the other person. Tap into your heart that wants forgiveness:

“I forgive myself for harboring any grudges, hatred or beliefs about being betrayed.  Even though I’ve held a belief that an injustice was done to me, I am doing a greater injustice to myself by holding on to anger and other strong about what happened. 

I choose to let grudges, hatred and old beliefs of injustice go.  I choose to move on with my life and not give energy to something from the past that I cannot change.  I choose to release my belief that life must be fair.  I choose to release all feelings and beliefs that I was harmed.  I forgive myself and I am a good person.”

Check your distress level again.  See if it has gone down.  Repeat the exercise if your level has not gone down to a one or two.  This second time, try to remember an earlier time in your life when you felt a similar injustice.  Hold this event and the person with whom you were upset in your mind while you repeat the steps.  Repeat with any other experiences where you felt a similar sense of being wronged and betrayed by someone and you dwelled on the belief that an injustice had been done to you and told yourself that “Life isn’t fair.”  

Repeat while thinking of a memory of your parents doing something when you told yourself that it was unfair.  Maybe they broke a promise or treated your sibling differently.  Of course life is not fair.  Holding onto beliefs that it must be will only bring you misery.  Soften and forgive yourself and tell yourself that you are a good person even thought you have strong feelings of anger, betrayal and want to hold a grudge.

One person reported her experience using this technique which expressed the complexity of her anger, “This first time through, I didn’t accomplish peace—too much was running through my mind.  The second time through, concentration was more streamlined and I could breathe out the pain that was stored up inside.  By the third time, I felt release.  The breathing was calm and the bridge of my nose didn’t hurt as bad as before.  The tension released.  The anger subsided.  Thank you.” 

Peace and joy,
Lynne Namka

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