To Build (or Break) a Child’s Spirit

To Build (or Break) a Child’s Spirit

May 20, 2014

If you needed to lose weight, what would be most motivating?
You are fat. I’m not buying you any more clothes until you lose weight!
Or:
Let’s take a walk after dinner.
I’ll let you make the salad.
I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.

If you needed to learn how to swim, what would be most motivating?
I don’t want to hear your crying. Get in the water and swim! Don’t be a baby!
Or:
I’ll be right by your side.
You can do this. If not today, we’ll try again tomorrow.

I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.
If you needed to practice better hygiene, what would be most motivating?
What is that awful smell? It’s a wonder you have any friends.
 Or:
Let’s go to the store and pick out some deodorant.
Your hair smells so good when you wash it. I think you should wash it every day.
I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.

If your table manners needed improvement, what would be most motivating?
You eat like a pig. I cannot stand to watch you eat. You are disgusting.
Or:  
I am trying to put down my fork after each bite, I’d like you to join me.
Thank you for chewing with your mouth closed.
I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.

If you are a bit clumsy and disorganized, what would motivate you to be more responsible?
Can’t you do anything right? You are either losing things or making a mess!
Or:
Everyone makes mistakes. That’s how we learn.
It’s no big deal—just get a rag and clean it up.
I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.

At times in my life I have been overweight, scared to swim, smelly, ill-mannered, and disorganized. During those times, I could have used some encouragement. So when I saw the young boy ordered to get out of the pool because he was scared to swim, I cried with him from behind my sunglasses. I saw the disappointment in the man’s eyes as he looked at his shivering son hugging his knees to his chest. The man really wanted his boy to learn to swim. He thought reprimanding him and ignoring the boy’s cries would motivate him to try harder next time.

At times in my life, I thought this too …


About a little girl and her ukulele,
About a little girl and her frequent messes,
About a little girl and her perpetually slow self,
About a little girl and her inability to ride a bike.
“Play the song again; you’re not trying hard enough.”
“Another spill? Are you serious?”
“How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up?”
“All the other kids have learned to ride their bike. It’s high time you did too.”

With every sharply delivered word, with each disapproving glare, with every disappointed shake of the head, that girl got smaller. Less confident. Less capable. Less shiny. And one day she spoke the words of a defeated soul.

“I just want to be good, Mama,” cried the little girl who once loved to strum her beloved instrument. And now she was placing the instrument at her feet, wondering if she should even be strumming at all.

Over time, my constant critiques and exasperated breaths led her to believe she was no good.
Over time, I’d broken her beautiful spirit—the one that gave her a unique and radiant light.
Motivating? Not so much.

There was a fine line between helpful adult guidance and using my authority to shame and belittle (under the guise of good intentions). As I crossed that line again and again, my child experienced a harsh reality: No matter what she did, it would never be good enough for me; I could never be pleased.

Motivating? Not so much.

The thought of my child growing up with a parent whose love was based on what she did rather than who she was caused an immediate change in me. I stopped being her rigid taskmaster and instead became her loving encourager …

Rather than harping on every single thing my child did wrong, I saved my guidance for serious issues—issues that could be potentially dangerous or life-altering.

Rather than forcing her to master a skill at the same rate as her peers, I assured myself that she would be ready in her own time.

I stopped overreacting to kid mishaps and minor incidents and realized she was better at cleaning up after herself without someone breathing down her neck.

If there was a bad habit that needed changing, I led by example. I invited her to join me in healthy habits. I provided tools (like timers and check-off lists) to empower her to become more prompt and responsible without my assistance.

I celebrated her efforts rather than the outcome and strived to speak three times as many positive words than negative ones.

Under the wing of Loving Encourager for the past several years, I’ve watched my child blossom. Her confidence and self-assurance have grown. She takes risks and when she fails, it’s not the end of the world because she knows she can try again. She knows I will love her regardless of what she does or doesn’t do. She confides in me when she does something wrong. She loves herself “as is” even though she does things a little differently than most.

 

I wish I’d abandoned the role of demanding taskmaster sooner, but I will not dwell on yesterday. Today matters more.
My hope is that by sharing my own painful regrets and life-changing discoveries, I can help someone else see what I see:
Shame abandons, encouragement believes.
Condemnation paralyzes, compassion frees.
Exasperation quits, patience prevails.
Yelling silences, communication opens up.
Blame hurts, grace heals.
Faultfinding destroys, praise builds.
Rejection loses, unconditional love wins.

If you were a child trying to get through life the best way you know how, what would be most motivating?
I don’t think you’ll ever measure up.
Or
I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.


**************************************
Author note: This post is not advocating an absence of guidance or instruction in our children’s lives. This message is meant to inspire thought about the way we do it—and not just with our children, but also with our spouse, our friends, our relatives, and our colleagues. Through ten years experience helping children overcome serious behavioral issues in a classroom setting, I have seen living proof that encouragement builds and heals. In my personal life, the mantra LOVE ONLY TODAY has helped me overcome my own inner bully to love myself and my family “as is.”

The specific steps and strategies I used to transform my distracted, perfectionistic, hurried life into one of meaningful connection and inner peace can be found in my book, HANDS FREE MAMA, a New York Times Bestseller.

Rachel

 http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/05/20/to-build-or-break-a-childs-spirit/

Negative Emotions Can Turn Into Fears ... by Angie Sierra

Negative Emotions Can Turn Into Fears ... by Angie Sierra

I’d like to share a true story with you:

There was a little girl who admired and respected her father. She always enjoyed watching him work around the house.

One sat. evening, her father was working on an ongoing complicated project in the garage. He was tired, frustrated, irritated and didn’t want to be bothered.

The daughter (unaware of how her father was feeling at that exact time) walked inside the garage in a exciting, care free and happy mood.

Watching him from a distance, she decided to impress her father and work on her own little project. So she picked up a hammer, a small nail, a piece of wood and began to hit the nail with the hammer.

She was doing well until she missed the nail and instead hit her finger.

Holding back her tears from the pain & throbbing of her finger,she grabbed the hammer to try again, her father yanked the hammer from her hands and yelled at her saying: “You don’t know how to do anything! just get out of here! And leave me Alone!”...

Even though our parents or guardians were our first teachers, we can not blame or get upset on how they raised us. Being a parent or guardian does not come with instructions.

There actions toward you were based on how they were raised, how they were discipline, how they were treated or mistreated, and how they were loved.

Some parents had a hard upbringing and learned from there experiences, overcame them and vowed never to treat there children the way they were mistreated, others kept there emotions locked away, not knowing/understanding how to approach or handle there emotions.

You see the father lashed out with anger not because of his daughter but because of how he was feeling and took it out on his daughter. The bad news is the little girl heard and believed every word he said...

Experiences like this can stay with you for many years and the negative emotions at a young age can easily turn into fears as we grow. That’s what happened in this case.

As she grew into a teenager, she became extremely shy. She didn’t talk very much and kept to herself. In school she never volunteered for any thing because she was afraid to mess up and believed no one wanted her around...

This story was based on one of my personal experiences.

The feeling of never being good enough has always been a struggle. A battle within myself of either trying my hardest to accomplish or being afraid to succeed. but
The understanding I got after working on myself first (healing) was by far most important in improving my entire life.

Can you recall of a moment or moments that may have had a negative impact through out your life?

Write about it in your journal...


Join me in 3days, for a better understanding.
Have an Amazing Journey!
TrueHealthAndHappiness.com
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Angie Sierra
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Carson
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United States

Suffering From Negative Head-Talk?

Suffering From Negative Head-Talk?

By: Jim Sniechowski and Judith Sherven


Nearly everyone does battle with that pesky voice of self-judgment and sabotaging put-downs that chatters away in our heads.

And, in response to a recent teleseminar we gave titled "The Fear of Being Fabulous" we received a request from a participant who said:

"I would love to hear how you remove the head talk that keeps you from being fabulous. I can get so far and then I'm stopped by my head talk."

Here's our answer . . .

First, you'll know it's Head-Talk by the repetitive, nagging attack on who you are. Your self-respect and self-esteem can end up in the toilet. And you can end up on the edge of . . . well, for us it's sometimes been the pothole from hell.

On the other hand, if you only hear a single reminder or even a reprimand, that's usually your wisdom giving you a heads-up to watch out or correct for behavior that's not in your best interest.

But Negative Head-Talk is relentless once it gets going. Its job is to successfully bring you down and remind you of your "proper" place.

What's "proper" about being put down?

Well, you weren't born turning yourself into a brick of Swiss cheese, with more holes than substance. Right?

Somewhere along your life, probably earlier than later, you were told negative stuff about who you are and what you could accomplish and what you could have and who you could be . . .

Even if you cannot now remember what it was or who said it.

Because if that hadn't happened, there wouldn't be any Negative Scripts in your noggin' that involuntarily blast away at you as Negative Self-Talk.

So, what to do when that destructive force turns on you and fills your head with lies . . .

1) Know they are lies.

2) Remember We're On Your Side and we told you they're lies.

3) Take yourself back to where they came from originally, and see if you can remember who told you those lies, when, and what for...

4) Then notice how, when that Negative Head-Talk takes over, you are still in allegiance to that person and that part of your history.

5) Know that even after you've got hold of its source, when the Negative Self-Talk yammers at you you'll be tempted to side with IT instead of with YOU.

6) So that's when you must practice taking your own side, something you couldn't do when you were younger. But you must practice doing it now.

7) Make the commitment to break your allegiance. This won't happen without fear, pain, and sorrow. And there will be a sense of loss. That's expected and normal.

8) Know that this need to detach from the past is urgent. Because that's the key to your well-being and a fabulous future.

9) Stay away from blame. That just keeps you stuck to the past.And that's just another, less obvious form of your allegiance.

10) Make the commitment to side with your desire. It's your desire that will carve out and light the path to the Positive Head-Talk that you need as your powerful guide and ally.

Now, every time your Negative Head-Talk threatens, you have your own internal arsenal to combat and overcome its power to trash your well-being. With practice you'll see that that voice becomes weaker and less active.

And you will enjoy the freedom to be fabulously alive and loving on your own terms.

For deeper breakthroughs, get Judith & Jim's bonus program "Positive Thinking is NOT Enough". Just go to: http://budurl.com/positivethinkinghww


About the Author:

Judith & Jim are the best-selling authors of five relationship books. Their latest is The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams www.smartweddingcouples.com. To receive Judith & Jim's free tips on making your relationships extraordinary, just go to www.makingtheordinaryextraordinary.com

Elizabeth Gilbert - On Genius

This is an amazing talk given by Elizabeth Gilbert on genius and creativity, at the latest TED Conference. Elizabeth Gilbert is author of "Eat, Pray, Love"

The Thought Meter

"There are always flowers for those who
want to see them." -Henri Matisse

While sitting in my sunroom this morning, I remembered a very interesting dream. Here in the States, the police have a mechanism for checking how fast people drive in busy neighborhoods by using something called a radar speed sign - a sign that flashes your speed as you drive by. In my dream, I was driving down a neighborhood street when I came upon one of these signs. However, as I drove toward it, the sign didn't flash my speed, it flashed my thoughts - the actual thoughts I was thinking in that very moment (anxious thoughts about being late for an appointment). I was so amazed by what I saw that I wondered if it was my imagination. So I turned around to drive by again. Sure enough, as I pulled up, the sign flashed my actual thoughts: "I can't believe what I'm seeing."

When I woke from the dream I laid in bed for a long time thinking about what life would be like if each of us had a flashing "thought meter" on our street. Just imagine. Each day, as we traveled to work or to and from errands, we'd be able to catch a glimpse of what we're thinking. As you consider this idea, what thoughts would you see on most days? Would a majority of them be positive, life-enhancing thoughts, or worrisome ones that steal your energy?

If you find yourself in the latter category, don't be alarmed. The truth is most people live with a majority of less-than-desirable thoughts running around in their heads. Rather than beat yourself up, better to slow down and focus on getting a better reading on the meter :). This plan begins with awareness.

Here's something to keep in mind: Awareness raises consciousness. Read that last line again because it's important. Just becoming aware of your typical thought patterns will actually stimulate a move toward emotional health and balance. That's because the moment you notice a negative thought, you then have the ability to shift to something more positive. And then the fun begins. When you focus your mind on something good, it creates a good feeling, and that good feeling fuels you to make better choices. Better choices in turn, give you a better life. Let's look at an example of what I mean.

Let's imagine, like so many people right now, that you're worried about paying your bills. Once you turn on your thought meter, you notice that your thoughts are focused on how little money you have. If you make a choice to shift these thoughts to a powerful affirmation like, "Abundance flows into my life every day in miraculous ways," and you keep returning to this thought, it automatically makes you feel empowered to change your circumstances. This feeling of being empowered - a life-affirming feeling - will lead you to find actions you can take right now to improve your situation. Then, once you identify an action and take it, you not only change the course of your life, you reinforce your positive thoughts and the cycle starts all over again.

So, the first step toward success is to turn on your thought meter. To that end, check out this week's Take Action Challenge for three ways to do just that.

Take Action Challenge Ready to monitor your thoughts? Here are three things you can do to create your own thought meter right now:

1. Set an alarm on your computer, your wristwatch, or a nearby clock for every 30 minutes, and when it goes off, notice what you're thinking.

2. Purchase a big sheet of colored stickers with fun images on them and place these stickers around your home and office. Then, each time you see one, stop and notice what you're thinking.

3. Place several check marks on your daily calendar (or in your PDA) at various times throughout the day and when you come upon one, stop and notice what you're thinking.

Get the idea? Once you become aware of any patterns related to your negative thoughts, develop a simple phrase that will start to counteract these unhelpful thinking patterns. Start with just one area of your life and watch what happens.