The Three R’s: Rage, Revenge and
Retaliation
© Lynne Namka, Ed. D.
The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are the
extremes of anger. They usually happen after a sense of being
betrayed. Betrayal is a complex emotional assault where the
person feels overwhelmed, traumatized and out of control. The
sense of being betrayed happens when a person believed that he could
trust another person or a situation and would be safe. Instead he or
she got such a huge emotional hit that he or she becomes devastated
and feels overwhelmed. Trust is broken and the strong emotions
come in and get stuck. Feeling safe in the world is shaken and
innocence is lost.
When there has been a sense of betrayal, the heart meridian takes
the shock and many of the other meridians go out of balance.
Brain chemistry changes as the person goes into a sympathetic nervous
system response getting ready to fight or run. At times the
person gets locked into this fight/flight energetic state. Later
in life, he or she may trigger when events are similar and the same
strong emotions of being overwhelmed and traumatized come back
automatically.
Some people harbor grudges as a defense against being hurt
again. They may ruminate about the unhappy event by dwelling on
the memory and reviewing it often. Hatred and grudges are often
challenging to break as they may protect the person from being
vulnerable again. They can be connected to satisfaction and the
self-justification and pride of holding on to intense anger.
Sometimes grudges can be learned as a habit from a parent (My mother
and her family always held grudges and I’m just like
them.) To keep on chewing on unhappy memories only leaves
a bitter taste in your mouth. We all have had experiences in
life that hold the opportunity for us to become bitter or deal with
the disappointment and move on. So when you are disappointed
about something, choose to talk about it and get past it rather than
let a bitter attitude set in.
Revenge thoughts are grudges plus wanting to get even
with the other person. Revengeful thoughts are basically selfish in
nature with the belief of: “I have the right to hurt him because
he injured me.” This is based on beliefs of “It's not
fair.” Revenge is “I can enjoy thoughts of hurting another
person in my mind to get back at him.” Revenge creates pseudo
self-esteem of feeling good about one's self by relishing ideas of
harming another person. Vengeful thoughts can actually trigger
endorphins in the brain which associate hurting others with feeling
good.
Grudges fan the fire of anger as a way of trying to
feel safe by feeling powerful in fantasy. Grudge holding and revenge
are way of putting up walls to guard the self against further hurt.
Building a thick wall helps angry people ward of feelings of
disappointment and rejection. The belief is “If I
don’t let others get too close, they can’t hurt
me.” One person described his wall building process.
“I learned to build such a thick wall around me that others
can’t get in. I’ve got titanium walls built around
me. Nobody gets past these walls. It keeps me safe
although I am lonely a lot.”
One of the building blocks for a tight wall is holding
onto revenge. Revenge is challenging to break into because of
the positive value of enjoyment and feelings of prerogative and
privilege. Revenge says that I have the right to hurt someone
and feel good about it. The best revenge is a successful life.
Acting in ways that make you become successful while holding on to
your integrity is the best revenge for any hurt that done to
you.
Taken to its max, a grudge can become revenge and aggression that
is rationalized as good. Revenge which is tied to extreme
religious fanaticism or family loyalty can lead to “holy
wars” and gang violence. People who tie their self-esteem
to feeling superior, pride and self-righteousness are typically caught
in a big energetic imbalance to their entire system. Many
extremely angry people don’t have a way to release their
dogmatic ways of thinking and acting. Some do not want to as
they believe that they are right. The issue here is not about
being right or wrong but in gaining peace of mind.
Continuing to dwell on bitterness because someone wronged you
creates a huge stressor to your mind and body. Stress upsets
your brain chemistry and your serotonin level. Environmental
toxins, poor eating habits and alcohol and substance abuse can also
lower serotonin levels in the brain. You are ruled by your
intense emotions not your logical mind. Use the techniques
presented in this book to help the prefrontal cortex get the upper
hand over the amygdala and increase the blood flow to the thinking,
rational parts of the brain.
The three R’s of rage, revenge and retaliation are powerful
emotions to be understood and harnessed. Transformed they can
bring a calmness to your life and an increase in self-esteem as you
accomplish something extremely important.
The Complexity of Big Anger
We think of anger as one emotion, but actually it’s a
catch-all reaction for many other jumbled-up feelings. Intense
anger is so complex and challenging to release because of the many
other emotions that accompany it or hide underneath it. This
following technique factors out the different emotions that make up
the total anger load which keep the hatred or grudge stuck.
Hostility always breeds more hostility. The more you hold,
the more you look for and guess what? What you look for you will
surely find. This Big Anger technique helps to break into
hostile stuck energies and bring about a calming effect. As you
tap, notice any acu-point where there is tenderness or pain—this
may be an area where energy is stuck. Spend more time tapping on
these to move the energy. Yes, this exercise is long, but rage,
grudges and hatred are very complex and you are the one being hurt now
by the complexity of your unresolved feelings.
Tap to Release Big Anger, Grudges and
Hatred Technique
Think of something where you feel an injustice has been done to
you in the past and you continue to dwell on in. Think about
your belief that “Life isn’t fair.” The belief
that life should be fair is a destructive error in thinking that keeps
people stuck. See the event in your mind’s eye and allow
any feeling to come up.
Rate the event on a scale of one to ten of distress with ten
being the highest level of being upset. Ask yourself, “Do
I want to remain angry or do I want peace of mind?” Set
your intention for change to release disturbing thoughts and feelings
and to forgive yourself for being upset and wanting to harm
others.
1. Irritation and Overwhelmed: Tap on the inside of
your eyebrows at the bony ridge of the eye socket above the upper
bridge of your nose. Think of feeling irritated by the wrong that was
done to you and breathe into this area. Tap briskly while
feeling overwhelmed at what happened to you. Forgive yourself
for having these challenging emotions. This is Bladder 1
acupressure point and an allergy point that is often becomes tender in
people when they are irritated.
2. Resentment: Think of the resentment that you feel
about the injustice. Rub your temples on both sides of your head
with a circular motion and then tap sharply. Think of the energy
that it takes to hold onto resentment and breathe it out. The
Gall Bladder Meridian runs around the temple area and around the ears
represents the emotions of resentment and frustration. You are
tapping Gall Bladder point 14.
3. Frustration: Think of being frustrated and feeling
out of control about the event. Cup your fingers and tap around
your ears. Think of letting go frustration. At this
point in time, the only one being hurt by your holding onto
frustration is yourself. You are tapping the Gall Bladder
Meridian and acupoints 8 through 12.
4. Bitterness and Hatred: Tap at the outside of your
nostrils and breathe in deeply. Think about your inflexibility,
bitterness, regret, guilt and the inability to forgive. Do not
judge yourself because you have held this bitterness. You have
done the best you could with them until now. You have not known
how to release them and now you want something better for
yourself. You are tapping Large Intestine 19 associated with
holding on to negative beliefs.
5. Fear of Being Hurt Again: Tap on your collarbones
and take a sharp breath and hold it for a while before letting it out
slowly. Grudges serve the purpose to keep you from being hurt by
the person again. Forgive yourself for holding onto the grudge
to protect yourself from being harmed again and resolve that you will
avoid situations of harm. You are tapping Kidney 27 which holds
the emotion of fear.
6. Feeling Stuck: Tap on the fleshy part of the back
of your hand near the bone between your thumb and index finger.
Focus on holding on, a grudge or rigid thinking. Change hands
and tap on the same area of the other hand. You are tapping
Large Intestine 4 which is called the Hegu point that helps release
tough ego attachments and the fear of letting go of dogmatic
thinking.
7. Anger: Think of what you tell yourself to that
continues to cause self-angering. For example, “It’s
not fair that he gets away with _____” Go straight
down your body from your nipples and tap firmly into your ribs and
take a deep breath. Think of anger and breathe into your ribs,
Anger is an energy that wants to move. Forgive yourself for
having these feelings. This point is Liver Meridian 14 which
holds the emotion of anger.
8. Betrayal and Injustice: Think of a belief of how
you were hurt. Tap the sides of your body firmly at your waist
on the lower ribs. Breathe into the self-angering belief and
forgive yourself for having strong feelings. Remember that we
are all capable of doing things that betray and hurt others.
Allow the feelings of injustice and the hurt feelings to slowly melt
away. Forgive yourself for being a normal human being who has feelings
of being wronged and the strong emotions that accompany them.
This point is Liver Meridian 13 which holds the emotion of
anger.
9. Surprise and Shock: Tap on the inside of your
little finger at the inside of the nail. Breathe deeply and
forgive yourself for feeling surprised and shocked by what happened to
you. Repeat on your other little finger and forgive yourself for
being so overwhelmed by what happened to you. Surprise, shock and
forgiveness are some of the emotions indicated by the Heart Meridian.
You tap Heart 9 at the inside of the little finger.
10. Hurt and Sadness: Tap on the inside of your index
finger at the nail. Think of how the event has affected
you. Breathe into any feelings of hurt and sadness that come up.
You are tapping Lung Meridian which holds sadness, regret, and
anguish.
11. Injustice to Self with Self-Angering Beliefs: Use
your fist to hit your heart firmly while breathing deeply. This
is the Thymus Thump procedure which puts a strong vibration into the
thymus gland and the heart. Think of your pride of holding onto
anger and hatred and ask for forgiveness. Forgive yourself for
feeling good about thoughts of revenge and feeling satisfied about
hurting the other person as you were hurt. Focus on how holding
on to anger hurts you now more than the other person. Tap into your
heart that wants forgiveness:
“I forgive myself for harboring any grudges, hatred or
beliefs about being betrayed. Even though I’ve held a
belief that an injustice was done to me, I am doing a greater
injustice to myself by holding on to anger and other strong about what
happened.
I choose to let grudges, hatred and old beliefs of injustice
go. I choose to move on with my life and not give energy to
something from the past that I cannot change. I choose to
release my belief that life must be fair. I choose to release
all feelings and beliefs that I was harmed. I forgive myself and
I am a good person.”
Check your distress level again. See if it has gone
down. Repeat the exercise if your level has not gone down to a
one or two. This second time, try to remember an earlier time in
your life when you felt a similar injustice. Hold this event and
the person with whom you were upset in your mind while you repeat the
steps. Repeat with any other experiences where you felt a
similar sense of being wronged and betrayed by someone and you dwelled
on the belief that an injustice had been done to you and told yourself
that “Life isn’t fair.”
Repeat while thinking of a memory of your parents doing something
when you told yourself that it was unfair. Maybe they broke a
promise or treated your sibling differently. Of course life is
not fair. Holding onto beliefs that it must be will only bring
you misery. Soften and forgive yourself and tell yourself that
you are a good person even thought you have strong feelings of anger,
betrayal and want to hold a grudge.
One person reported her experience using this technique which
expressed the complexity of her anger, “This first time through,
I didn’t accomplish peace—too much was running through my
mind. The second time through, concentration was more
streamlined and I could breathe out the pain that was stored up
inside. By the third time, I felt release. The breathing
was calm and the bridge of my nose didn’t hurt as bad as
before. The tension released. The anger subsided.
Thank you.”
Peace and joy,
Lynne Namka
