Social Intelligence

 
Social Intelligence
by Daniel Goleman

[Listen to Audio!]

One day, late for a meeting in midtown Manhattan, I was looking for a shortcut. So I walked into an indoor atrium on the ground floor of a skyscraper, planning to use an exit door I had spotted on the other side that would give me a faster route through the block.

But as soon as I reached the building's lobby, with its banks of elevators, a uniformed guard stormed over to me, waving his arms and yelling, "You can't walk through here!"

"Why not?" I asked, puzzled.

"Private property! It's private property!" he shouted, visibly agitated.

I seemed to have inadvertently intruded into an unmarked security zone. "It would help," I suggested in a shaky attempt to infuse a bit of reasoning, "if there were a sign on the door saying 'Do Not Enter.' "

My remark made him even angrier. "Get out! Get out!" he screamed.

Unsettled, I hastily beat my retreat, his anger reverberating in my own gut for the next several blocks.

When someone dumps their toxic feelings on us – explodes in anger or threats, shows disgust or contempt–they activate in us circuitry for those very same distressing emotions. Their act has potent neurological consequences: emotions are contagious. We "catch" strong emotions much as we do a rhinovirus – and so can come down with the emotional equivalent of a cold.

Every interaction has an emotional subtext. Along with whatever else we are doing, we can make each other feel a little better, or even a lot better, or a little worse – or a lot worse, as happened to me. Beyond what transpires in the moment, we can retain a mood that stays with us long after the direct encounter ends – an emotional afterglow (or afterglower, in my case).

These tacit transactions drive what amounts to an emotional economy, the net inner gains and losses we experience with a given person, or in a given conversation, or on any given day. By evening the net balance of feelings we have exchanged largely determines what kind of day – "good" or "bad" – we feel we've had.

Riding Out Life's Tsunamis

Riding Out Life's Tsunamis

It has been over a month now since a powerful magnitude-9.0 earthquake and tsunami devastated Japan. The confirmed death toll is over 13,000 and continues to rise. In the midst of all the horror stories are occasional heroic tales of survival and rescue. One of the most fascinating is that of Susumu Sugawara.


The 64-year-old Sugawara is the owner-operator of a small boat named "Sunflower." After the massive earthquake and in view of the tsunami warnings being broadcast, he had to make a quick decision. Should he head for high ground on his island of Oshima? Should he put his boat to sea and try to ride out the fury? His chose to launch his boat and head for deep water offshore.


"I knew if I didn't save my boat," he told a CNN reporter, "my island would be isolated and in trouble." So he ran to his 42-year-old craft that can hold about 20 people at a time and went full-throttle toward the deadly waves that would kill people whose names and faces he knew. Then he saw the wall of water.


Accustomed to waves ten to twelve feet high, this one was fully 50 to 60 feet high. Sugawara knew that he and his boat could easily wind up at the bottom of the sea. He drove straight for it - "climbing the wave like a mountain," as he put it. And the mountain seemed only to grow bigger and bigger. There was a huge crash of water over him. Only then could he see the horizon. He had survived!


Sugawara made his way back to his now-devastated Oshima. For the month since, he has been a lifeline by making hourly trips to the mainland to ferry people and supplies. If people can help pay for gasoline, he accepts money. If they have lost everything and can pay nothing, he still welcomes them aboard.


I'm no sailor or boat captain. I don't know if the Japanese captain made the reasonable and right decision on that fateful day. I can only report and rejoice at the outcome.

He lived through the ordeal and is helping others with a sense of sensitivity to their suffering the rest of us can only admire from a distance.


Here is the lesson from this story for me: Against my hesitation and fear, it makes more sense to ride into the teeth of life's challenges than to run away.


There is a cash-flow crisis. There is an unexpected problem with a product. A major supplier has failed, or a major customer has bailed. Some executives kick into denial mode or ball up in a fetal position. Their companies fail. Leaders steer right into the problem and act with integrity to name and face the problem.


Or maybe the problem is far more serious. A spouse says the marriage is over. The police or hospital calls with a parent's worst nightmare about an arrest or accident. Maybe you get a diagnosis that sounds like a death sentence. Do you run and hide? Self-medicate with drugs or alcohol? Or do you steer into the teeth of the storm and pray for courage you have never had to display before?


"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face," said Eleanor Roosevelt. "You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next one that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Rubel Shelly

Rubel Shelly is a Preacher and Professor of Religion and Philosophy located in Rochester Hills, Michigan. In addition to church and academic responsibilities, he has worked actively with such community projects as Habitat for Humanity, American Red Cross, From Nashville With Love, Metro (Nashville) Public Schools, Faith Family Medical Clinic, and Operation Andrew Ministries.

Why 7-year-old Chloe didn’t want to be a “tough cookie”

Why 7-year-old Chloe didn’t want to be a “tough cookie”

« Part 9 of The Amen Solution: Tools to end emotional overeating

Recently my wife Tana and our daughter took a long hike near our home. It was a bit more strenuous than we had planned, but Chloe, our 7-year-old, was a trooper and kept up and she held on to the dog, Tinkerbell’s leash.

Near the end of the hike Tana told Chloe that she was a “tough cookie.” Immediately, Chloe took exception.


“I don’t want to be a tough cookie,” she said. “I want to be a tough red bell pepper.”

Not wanting to miss the metaphor to health, we all agreed that day that Chloe was indeed a “tough red bell pepper.” Kids say the strangest things. Red bell peppers happen to be one of her favorite snacks, especially with mashed avocados or almond butter.

Think about the words you use with your loved ones. Do you call them “sweetie pie,” “honey,” or “sugar?” These nicknames insidiously reinforce our habit of associating things that are sweet with being “good” even though research shows us that sweets are actually bad for the brain and harmful to our health and well-being.

The next time you want to show someone how much you care about them, call them “red bell pepper,” “hummus,” or even “avocado.” It might seem silly at first, but it will get you both thinking about things that are good for your brain and body.

Dr. Amen's Blog

This entry was written by Dr. Amen, posted on March 8, 2011 at 9:00 am, filed under Nutrition and tagged nicknames.

Fear, a four letter word by Pam Thomas

Fear, a four letter word by Pam Thomas

What is fear?

Fear sometimes protects us, helping us to avoid danger or pain.
Fear is an obstacle or blockage that keeps us from moving forward.
Fear is a feeling.
Fear can be real and valid.
Fear is a great place to hide.

It is OK to feel fearful, especially when it comes to your own safety and well-being. It is OK to feel fearful about your dreams, about taking risks; feeling fear is a natural human emotion.

But here's something to consider; if fear is not serving as a protector from danger, should fear be allowed to stand in your way of creating the life you desire and deserve?

Consider the following few things about fear....

* Fear only resides in the past and the future.
* Fear does not like postives.
* Fear disappears when deep breathing is present.

For just one moment imagine having the ability to flow, to really move through your day without doubt or fear. Imagine diving into new projects, taking exciting risks, setting dreams into action without the second guessing or the white knuckles. What would that be like? What would that feel like? Sit with that thought or feeling for a moment. Soak it in, remember it, especially during the times when fear is preventing you from doing something that will serve you in a positive way.

If that does not work for you, feel free to give these additional strategies a try...

1. Become very present, in the here and the now. Stop, take a good look around you and engage your five senses. What do you see? What do you hear? etc.
2. Take four deep cleansing breaths to a count of four; four counts in through the nose and exhale to a count of four through the mouth.
3. The brain, while an amazing wonder, can’t think positive and negative thoughts at the same time. So since fear evokes negative thoughts try copping an attitude of gratitude. Take your hand, place it over your heart and in the moment list no less than three things you are most grateful for.
4. Take stock of the fear. Ask yourself is the fear serving you in a positive or negative way? Creating awareness is a powerful way to combat fear, because from awareness comes the ability to choose.

Just remember you deserve to have the life you desire without the fear. Here's to eradicating that four letter from your vocabulary.

FEAR= False Evidence Appearing Real

Commitment: The Essential Ingredient In Your Relationship - By Dr. Richard Nicastro

Commitment: The Essential Ingredient In Your Relationship - By Dr. Richard Nicastro

Anyone who has run a marathon knows about commitment. To compete, the athlete relies on extensive training and physical fitness. But when the initial enthusiasm wanes and the painful, long-distance realities grip the runner's body, it is sheer dedication -- commitment to completing what she started -- that sustains the runner's motivation as she reaches for the finish line.

A relationship is a lot like running a marathon. There are highs and lows, challenges and rewards, and times when you may want to give up -- when it feels too difficult to continue. What will keep you on track and moving forward when your relationship hits the inevitable rough patch? Will love be enough?

Commitment: Your relationship lifeline

Commitment is a belief in relationship permanence and the understanding that at times your union will need a life-jacket to stay afloat.

When you and your partner are committed to the relationship, the union remains more important then your (and your partner's) individual needs. Without mutual commitment, deep trust will never take root and intimacy will wither. When one person's commitment is tenuous, the very fabric of the relationship is weakened. A lack of commitment reduces the buffer that holds relationships together during times of conflict and stress. Imagine living with the fear that periodic slumps in your relationship can cause your partner to bail.

Trust and deep intimacy will only grow in the soil of commitment.

Commitment has a dual role in your relationship. You can view commitment as the vehicle to help deepen your love, and you can also view it as a safety net of sorts, a way to protect your marriage or relationship during the difficult periods that each and every relationship experiences.

Commitment allows love and intimacy to mature over time. Someone who ends a relationship because the excitement of new love has diminished misses out on the opportunities that relationships bring for individual and mutual growth.

Some erroneously believe that a commitment like "till death do us part" means foolishly locking yourself into a lifetime of potential unhappiness. No one should commit to a relationship that cannot meet their needs. Your needs (and your partner's needs) do matter and should be part of the overall commitment equation. But life and relationships are complicated, and there will be stretches of time when your partner does not meet your needs (and you will not meet your partner's needs). Commitment is what will get you through those rough stretches, enabling each of you to get back on track in meeting each other's needs once again.

All couples (married and unmarried) face an enormous challenge: How to stay devoted to one another throughout the life of your relationship, even when early enthusiasm and euphoria naturally wane.

Commitment is a very personal process. Unfortunately, for some it will mean blind dedication to a union that rarely meets their needs, while others eschew commitment and impulsively use the ebb and flow of happiness as the gauge whether to stay or leave. Both of these approaches are flawed. Ideally, commitment will remain in place as happiness comes and goes and your relationship finds its footing along life's shifting terrain.

Commitment checklist:

Commit to ________:

...understanding that love grows and deepens over a lifetime.

...acknowledging that all relationships go through ups and downs.

...continuously working toward a meaningful relationship that will transcend momentary happiness.

...working through problems with your partner (while resisting the temptation to get your needs met outside of the relationship).

...finding solutions that will keep your relationship moving forward.

...compromising (even when you think you're right).

...yourself and the relationship.

Don't commit to ________:

...anything that feels abusive.

...always sacrificing what's most important to you.

...the idea that if your relationship requires hard work it means your relationship is flawed.

...the mindset that it's acceptable for your needs to continuously go unmet.

One of the greatest challenges to commitment lies in the instant-gratification mindset -- the idea that you deserve to have what you want when you want it. The settings to our pleasure barometer have been altered, and humans are less willing to deal with frustrating circumstances or anything that feels like it stands in the way of immediate happiness. This poses a problem for relationships.

When you make decisions about your relationship based solely on the need to feel happy (all the time), you abandon commitment and the rich opportunities that are essential for your relationship to grow.

I invite you to think about what commitment means to you. What you are committing to in your marriage or relationship?

About the Author:
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

Negative Emotions Can Turn Into Fears ... by Angie Sierra

Negative Emotions Can Turn Into Fears ... by Angie Sierra

I’d like to share a true story with you:

There was a little girl who admired and respected her father. She always enjoyed watching him work around the house.

One sat. evening, her father was working on an ongoing complicated project in the garage. He was tired, frustrated, irritated and didn’t want to be bothered.

The daughter (unaware of how her father was feeling at that exact time) walked inside the garage in a exciting, care free and happy mood.

Watching him from a distance, she decided to impress her father and work on her own little project. So she picked up a hammer, a small nail, a piece of wood and began to hit the nail with the hammer.

She was doing well until she missed the nail and instead hit her finger.

Holding back her tears from the pain & throbbing of her finger,she grabbed the hammer to try again, her father yanked the hammer from her hands and yelled at her saying: “You don’t know how to do anything! just get out of here! And leave me Alone!”...

Even though our parents or guardians were our first teachers, we can not blame or get upset on how they raised us. Being a parent or guardian does not come with instructions.

There actions toward you were based on how they were raised, how they were discipline, how they were treated or mistreated, and how they were loved.

Some parents had a hard upbringing and learned from there experiences, overcame them and vowed never to treat there children the way they were mistreated, others kept there emotions locked away, not knowing/understanding how to approach or handle there emotions.

You see the father lashed out with anger not because of his daughter but because of how he was feeling and took it out on his daughter. The bad news is the little girl heard and believed every word he said...

Experiences like this can stay with you for many years and the negative emotions at a young age can easily turn into fears as we grow. That’s what happened in this case.

As she grew into a teenager, she became extremely shy. She didn’t talk very much and kept to herself. In school she never volunteered for any thing because she was afraid to mess up and believed no one wanted her around...

This story was based on one of my personal experiences.

The feeling of never being good enough has always been a struggle. A battle within myself of either trying my hardest to accomplish or being afraid to succeed. but
The understanding I got after working on myself first (healing) was by far most important in improving my entire life.

Can you recall of a moment or moments that may have had a negative impact through out your life?

Write about it in your journal...


Join me in 3days, for a better understanding.
Have an Amazing Journey!
TrueHealthAndHappiness.com
© Copyright 2009 TrueHealthAndHappiness.com All Rights Reserved

Angie Sierra
757 E. Realty St.
Carson
90745
United States

Welcome to Your New Beginning! by Angie Sierra

Everything in your life happens for a reason, You didn't just so happen to subscribe to these emails and are now continuing to read each word. (Note: I discovered Angie's articles, subscribed and believe they're worthy of sharing)

This is not a coincidence, its all apart of YOUR Journey.

Maybe you're looking for answers or in need of encouraging words, maybe you're looking to change your present life, find balance and move forward.

Or maybe you're one of my supportive friends (which I welcome and
appreciate by the way)Whatever your reasons are, they've lead to this moment...

As you know, we don't live in a perfect world and things aren't always going to go as planned. Running into obstacles and always facing challenges are apart of our lives. The lessons we learn, the sacrifices we take, the emotional roller coaster we face and the negativity we live in, are there to help us Experience, Learn, and Evolve.

Some might ask, "Then how do I deal with it all, especially the stress, challenges and bad situations?"

Its very simple.

The answer:

By Never Giving Up and Thinking Positive No Matter What.

For example lets say you get hurt or were involved in some sort of accident and now your in the hospital. Its OK... Things aren't always what they seem. Maybe you needed to get some rest an take a break, maybe you were moving too fast and needed to slow down, maybe you were headed towards something worse and this had to happen to stop you from going any further. There's always a deeper meaning. You'll see & understand exactly why things happen but only after overcoming the emotional process.

Remember this: Your Greatest Learning Experiences always come from bad situations. let me repeat "Your Greatest Learning Experiences Always Come From Bad Situations".

Accept your problems and solve them as they come. Tell yourself your challenges are temporary and will pass. Ask "What is this experience trying to teach me" or "How can I grow from this setback?". This helps deal with the situation, finding ways to solve, accept and move forward...

You see you're a Powerful Person who can influence and attract more good then bad in your life by Feeding your Mind with Positive Thoughts no matter what. Overcoming our obstacles and gaining knowledge along the way is what its all about.

Take the First Breath, Welcome to Your New Beginning!

P.S I understand many of us have hectic life's but we need time off to work On Ourselves to Create a more Positive Outcome. Having a personal journal to write down any thoughts, dreams, goals, quotes, etc. is a great way to help develop your personal growth. It increases your self-awareness and helps keep you on track. By also writing the exact dates and time, will allow you to go back reflective and analyze where your state of mind was at that moment.

So everyday or at least 2×'s a week set a quiet time for yourself to relax, clear your mind, gather your thoughts and look over your journal. This is the time to Reevaluate your life, make changes and Improvements. To have awareness and clarity, to receive guidelines, hunches, and ideas. (with No distractions)

P.S.S Its also extremely important when receiving an email, you reread that particular email at least 2×'s that week.

A suggestion would be to place your emails in one folder for easy access, by clicking on Move...[New Folder]...then entering a name for your folder...and moving all your emails into that folder. Your new folder will be located on the left hand side underneath My Folders.

The Value Of Learning Is Truly Beyond Words
Have an Amazing Journey!
TrueHealthAndHappiness.com
© Copyright 2009 TrueHealthAndHappiness.com

Suffering From Negative Head-Talk?

Suffering From Negative Head-Talk?

By: Jim Sniechowski and Judith Sherven


Nearly everyone does battle with that pesky voice of self-judgment and sabotaging put-downs that chatters away in our heads.

And, in response to a recent teleseminar we gave titled "The Fear of Being Fabulous" we received a request from a participant who said:

"I would love to hear how you remove the head talk that keeps you from being fabulous. I can get so far and then I'm stopped by my head talk."

Here's our answer . . .

First, you'll know it's Head-Talk by the repetitive, nagging attack on who you are. Your self-respect and self-esteem can end up in the toilet. And you can end up on the edge of . . . well, for us it's sometimes been the pothole from hell.

On the other hand, if you only hear a single reminder or even a reprimand, that's usually your wisdom giving you a heads-up to watch out or correct for behavior that's not in your best interest.

But Negative Head-Talk is relentless once it gets going. Its job is to successfully bring you down and remind you of your "proper" place.

What's "proper" about being put down?

Well, you weren't born turning yourself into a brick of Swiss cheese, with more holes than substance. Right?

Somewhere along your life, probably earlier than later, you were told negative stuff about who you are and what you could accomplish and what you could have and who you could be . . .

Even if you cannot now remember what it was or who said it.

Because if that hadn't happened, there wouldn't be any Negative Scripts in your noggin' that involuntarily blast away at you as Negative Self-Talk.

So, what to do when that destructive force turns on you and fills your head with lies . . .

1) Know they are lies.

2) Remember We're On Your Side and we told you they're lies.

3) Take yourself back to where they came from originally, and see if you can remember who told you those lies, when, and what for...

4) Then notice how, when that Negative Head-Talk takes over, you are still in allegiance to that person and that part of your history.

5) Know that even after you've got hold of its source, when the Negative Self-Talk yammers at you you'll be tempted to side with IT instead of with YOU.

6) So that's when you must practice taking your own side, something you couldn't do when you were younger. But you must practice doing it now.

7) Make the commitment to break your allegiance. This won't happen without fear, pain, and sorrow. And there will be a sense of loss. That's expected and normal.

8) Know that this need to detach from the past is urgent. Because that's the key to your well-being and a fabulous future.

9) Stay away from blame. That just keeps you stuck to the past.And that's just another, less obvious form of your allegiance.

10) Make the commitment to side with your desire. It's your desire that will carve out and light the path to the Positive Head-Talk that you need as your powerful guide and ally.

Now, every time your Negative Head-Talk threatens, you have your own internal arsenal to combat and overcome its power to trash your well-being. With practice you'll see that that voice becomes weaker and less active.

And you will enjoy the freedom to be fabulously alive and loving on your own terms.

For deeper breakthroughs, get Judith & Jim's bonus program "Positive Thinking is NOT Enough". Just go to: http://budurl.com/positivethinkinghww


About the Author:

Judith & Jim are the best-selling authors of five relationship books. Their latest is The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams www.smartweddingcouples.com. To receive Judith & Jim's free tips on making your relationships extraordinary, just go to www.makingtheordinaryextraordinary.com

Law of Attraction and the quest for Enlightenment by Palma Bellardoni

When one mentions the Law of Attraction, I have noticed that people have different reactions and a different perception of it. I wonder if it depends on how they learned about it, and what was the source of the material. Some are skeptical about it, and do think that all this “positive thinking” won’t lead to anything - that it is a very naive approach, and that it misleads the masses. Others say that all this wanting to manifest material goods is not spiritual at all, and it’s just a hype that took hold in a society that keeps wanting to accumulate stuff, where people want to learn to manifest just to improve their material life, without looking deeper with the desire to raise their consciousness.

Depending on how you look at it, they are both right and wrong. What I mean is, they are right because there are sources that teach a mostly materialistic or incomplete approach, they are wrong because they did not look at the true spiritual essence of the principles.

Can the Law of Attraction lead to spiritual enlightenment? What is enlightenment anyways?

Buddhism and Enlightenment

According to Buddhist teachings, enlightenment is the extinction of desire and suffering and the disintegration of individual consciousness. It is the realization that the ego is an illusion of the mind, and that we are One consciousness. It is the awakening to the true nature of this Universe. This realization doesn’t stem from a purely intellectual knowledge, but from a real experience of merging into Oneness, a true knowing of the illusion of the ego.

During a Vipassana meditation course, I had a tiny millisecond glimpse of this. It was like a melting away of the body and mind, and a feeling of Oneness and floating energy. I tried to reach that state again, during following sessions, as it was really blissful in that microscopic moment, but could never replicate it. However, the memory of it is there, so I can really relate to the concept. Should I mention that everything went back to (*cough*) normal, with my individual ego being quite happy?

The Law of Attraction and Enlightenment

According to the best teachers - in my opinion - of the Law of Attraction, Abraham-Hicks, enlightenment is an alignment with Source

Enlightenment means literally aligning to the Energy of my Source. And genius is only about focusing. Law of Attraction takes care of everything else. Physical humans often want to make enlightenment about finding some process and moving through the process that has been pre-described. But true enlightenment is moving to the rhythm of the internal inspiration that is coming in response to the individual desire. Enlightenment is about allowing my Connection to the Source that is me for the fulfillment of the things that I have individually defined here in my time-space-reality. That’s as good as it gets! — Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Boulder, CO on Saturday, June 7th, 2003

Here, unlike Buddhism, there is no extinction of individual consciousness or desires. They are spiritual in nature and help the Universe expand. The spiritual essence of the Law of Attraction lies in the realization that this is a vibrational Universe, that we are an extension of the One, and are consciousness in physical form, experiencing this time/space reality.

Law of Attraction is not just about “positive thinking”, because there is an understanding of how frequencies resonate, so it’s also about “positive feeling”. Emotions are our tool, or as Abraham says, our “guidance system”, to understand if what we are thinking will take us where we want to be. Those who believe that simply thinking positive won’t do it, are right, but then, they did not understand LOA.

Is wanting to manifest material things, wanting to “have”, spiritual enough? Not according to You are Truly Loved, a blog worth visiting, and I can see the point being made:

The teachings on enlightenment are designed to help point you to the realization that none of that actually matters since it’s all an illusion anyways.

Even Abraham says that it’s not the “having of it” that will lead to happiness. Manifesting things is a way to understand how this Universe works. Being in alignment with Source is a spiritual understanding of the vibrational nature of things. Those who are just teaching the Law of Attraction to attract money, cars and more, are limiting what LOA is really about. Yes, one can have those, but with the understanding of the spiritual nature of that manifestation. It’s just energy in movement.

What, then? Can they both lead to Enlightenment?

The two kinds of “enlightenment” seem to have the opposite premise. No desire/desire, extinction of individual consciousness/expansion of individual consciousness. They do have in common the vibrational view of reality, and that we are Source.

We are one merging Consciousness, where the ego is an illusion of a temporary time/space reality… while we are experiencing this time/space reality, we can acknowledge the vibrational nature of all things, and create a life experience where we are aligned with the One Source. We play with energy, being able to attract things and experiences onto us, while remaining free from attachment to “material” things, because everything is energy anyways… if it’s there, great. If it’s not there, cool, there is an endless stream of energy available.

What is your view of the Law of Attraction, do you agree that it does have a spiritual nature? Is aligning with Source enough for you, to define it as “enlightenment”? Can one still enjoy individual consciousness, with the ultimate realization that there is none?

Posted on Budha Trance Law of Attraction